Yesterday I started the day off right. I read my Bible (YouVersion) Philippians 1. I even posted a note about Joy. Paul was in Prison- in chains, when he penned this letter to the Church at Philippi. Philippians calls for us to be Joyful-- no matter the circumstance. I was ruminating on Paul's Joy. "How can someone imprisoned and in chains be joyful?" Then I checked out chapter 2 where we are told we are to have the Mind of Christ, who although HE IS GOD, humbled Himself to take the role of a servant. Even giving up His very life for us.
And again, I thought about John 15 where JESUS Himself calls us to Abide in Him, as the branch can do nothing except it abide in The Vine.
All these Words and knowledge and desires put down on virtual paper. And then I went about my morning, getting ready for Church and the Church picnic. I was trying hard to get it all done and to Church on time. Yet like most things in my life, it didn't work out the way I had planned. The potato salad was made and was sumptuous. I was showered and dressed. But I couldn't find this part of my outfit. And my eye became irritated when I put in my contacts. Then when I was carefully taking one out, it became lost in the netherworld somewhere.
Then I couldn't find my shoes. And so it goes. And finally in the car I decided to sneak to Timmies for a coffee. But while waiting at the red light for 3 consecutive cycles, it never did turn green, and I just turned left on a red light anyway. Finally with a large cup of Joe, and a special surprise donut and a side of bacon for da Puppy, I tried to find my way to the school where the picnic was held. By that time. The service would have been over and the picnic started.
And yes I got there. A Nice Church Elder watched my puppy while I brought Auntie Jody's Famous 'out -of- this-world' potato salad to the gymnasium. I collected CappieBear with a grateful smile and found a spot of grass beneath a tree where we could sit and watch the goings on. I waited to get our food as I don't do crowds. I have anxiety. So I was a kid once again vicariously reliving the Church picnics of my younger days. I was singing to JESUS. I was feeling the joy.
Till someone came and burst my joy- balloon. Oh No! They did not do this purposefully. That was Not their intent. But rather to awaken me to my own Reality. And to show me my weakness. Why, once again, I wouldn't be a Choice Participant in a mission trip. I am Emotional. I can be erratic-- all over the place. I am Different.
For me to be part of this trip could be a problem for me, I was told. And so on.
I quickly lost my joy. What do you do when you want to fit in and Be. And your outward expressions and BeHaviours have caused ppl to shy away from you. What do you do when you once again begin to question and hate the very essence of you??
Still I fought. I did not retreat, nor runaway. Rather i sat with my Puppy CappieBear and watched all the ppl living, laughing and talking and playing games.
Eventually an Angel (a Deacon named Steve) came to talk with me.
I'm Different. I walk and sing to Jesus while I'm walking. I dance at church when and where no one else does. I envelope the downtrodden in Jody-hugs (when I can).
I'm Different. I Feel Life and express it stronger than most. I cry uncontrollably. I have Anxiety. I expect ppl to understand me, but more often then not, they don't. How could they. My DNA is intensely different from theirs. I am Bright. And I am Creative. I live with severe Depression. and I am wonderfully/horribly me.