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Tuesday, June 25, 2013

What Happened to my Smile

What happened to my Smile

Yesterday I started the day off right. I read my Bible (YouVersion) Philippians 1. I even posted a note about Joy. Paul was in Prison- in chains, when he penned this letter to the Church at  Philippi. Philippians calls for us to be Joyful-- no matter the circumstance. I was ruminating on Paul's Joy. "How can someone imprisoned and in chains be joyful?"  Then I checked out chapter 2 where we are told we are to have the Mind of Christ, who although HE IS GOD, humbled Himself to take the role of a servant. Even giving up His very life for us. 

And again, I thought about John 15 where JESUS Himself calls us to Abide in Him, as the branch can do nothing except it abide in The Vine.

All these Words and knowledge and desires put down on virtual paper. And then I went about my morning, getting ready for Church and the Church picnic.   I was trying hard to get it all done and to Church on time.   Yet like most things in my life, it didn't work out the way I had planned. The potato salad was made and was sumptuous. I was showered and dressed. But I couldn't find this part of my outfit. And my eye became irritated when I put in my contacts. Then when I was carefully taking one out, it became lost in the netherworld somewhere. 
Then I couldn't find my shoes. And so it goes. And finally in the car I decided to sneak to Timmies for a coffee. But while waiting at the red light for 3 consecutive cycles, it never did turn green, and I just turned left on a red light anyway. Finally with a large cup of Joe, and a special surprise donut and a side of bacon for da Puppy, I tried to find my way to the school where the picnic was held. By that time. The service would have been over and the picnic started. 
And yes I got there. A Nice Church Elder watched my puppy while I brought Auntie Jody's Famous 'out -of- this-world' potato salad to the gymnasium. I collected CappieBear with a grateful smile and found a spot of grass beneath a tree where we could sit and watch the goings on. I waited to get our food as I don't do crowds. I have anxiety. So I was a kid once again vicariously reliving the Church picnics of my younger days. I was singing to JESUS. I was feeling the joy. 
Till someone came and burst my joy- balloon. Oh No! They did not do this  purposefully. That was Not their intent. But rather to awaken me to my own Reality. And to show me my weakness. Why, once again, I wouldn't be a Choice Participant in a mission trip. I am Emotional. I can be erratic-- all over the place.  I am Different. 
For me to be part of this trip could be a problem for me, I was told. And so on. 

I quickly lost my joy. What do you do when you want to fit in and Be. And your outward expressions and BeHaviours have caused ppl to shy away from you. What do you do when you once again begin to question and hate the very essence of you??
 
Still I fought. I did not retreat, nor runaway. Rather i sat with my Puppy CappieBear and watched all the ppl living, laughing and talking and playing games. 

Eventually an Angel (a Deacon named Steve) came to talk with me. 

I'm Different. I walk and sing to Jesus while I'm walking. I dance at church when and where no one else does. I envelope the downtrodden in Jody-hugs (when I can). 
I'm Different. I Feel Life and express it stronger than most. I  cry uncontrollably. I have Anxiety. I expect ppl to understand me, but more often then not, they don't. How could they. My DNA is intensely different from theirs. I am Bright. And I am Creative. I live with severe Depression. and I am wonderfully/horribly me. 



Monday, June 04, 2012

HOLD ME!!! i;m scared n alone

Where are you now... once so close i could feel your warmth... you used to tell me that you would put me in your Pockie... and that i could put you in mine as well. My Heart HURTS///




I am tired of pain... but it is an ever present reality. I Miss you SOOOO MUCHLY... I don't know why or how you even put up with me, after all the things i did, and the emotional turmoil i was in...




You are here, only in my heart and mind...




But there are blessed and funny memories that keep you close.






Bearman, I will forever and always, forever and BEYOND... i will always love you

if i should die today (A POEM)

If i should die today

If I should die today
Having Become
Redundant

Would it even matter
In the Vast scheme of Things
in the Bangings of
This Universe

Or in your crowded Word
Your Archaically Overstuffed
Easy chair of a life
Where there is Little Room
For Edgewise Thinking

Perhaps I'm just fey
Or is it Fay
Seduced by the Fire
Dancing on the Flames
Begging for Recognition
Or just to Explain
That I am

Yes I am wordy
Even perhaps Verbose
Yes I am Extreme
The calamity of a Kaleidoscope
The Colourfully enigmatic
Images in the Mirrors
(when in Truth, it's all
A Hoax)

If I should die today
Would you remember me
In 25 yrs, your life is
Not the same
If I should die today
Would it even Matter
Having worn out my
Faustiness
A Lust for Significance
Would that I just
Dissipate into Matter



(c) jodyB
January 28, 2012

Saturday, June 02, 2012

Don't matter to most if my smile turns upside down

Or if my ever-willing paramour is the bed sheets on my bed. Don't matter to most if I scream or yell outloud  "I'm Here! I matter! and i have something to say!" And  i guess it just aint important that i have spread before you, like a much-loved Virgin whose Beloved, albeit bewildered, Bridegroom is anxious to partake his Love's Soul. i have lain splayed before your apathy.  i await you.  and the red-flushed apples of my cheeks grow bitter and tart. if i cant taunt you with my prepubescent need,then how will i know that you will be  there when i "come of age"?

and leadership is for "everyone else" and my desires to .share are for naught.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

SELF PORTRAIT

self portrait
i’m an addict
“everyone’s addicted to something”
you say
yes, but I’m an addict
 and my addiction is not
booze, nor drugs nor food.
it’s a feeling i’m addicted to.
do you remember
your Very first day of school
the popcorn excitement
like kernels waiting to pop?
Do you recall the drumroll of your heart
The finale,
As you look up and find
The object of your affection
 gazing at you?
and your hands tremble with sweat
and your heart beats out of your chest
and your heart pounds
within your ears
and your heart comes
inside of your mouth
as you swim in the depths of his eyes.
i’m addicted to the Rush
i’m addicted to the Fear
i’m addicted to the Chase
i’m addicted to the Feeling
that renews itself in
another’s face.
©jodyB
1988

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Kaleidescope

It aint no dif'rnt
Stays jes the same
Spiders crawlin' halls
Or malls or waterFalls
Within my brain

Vivid colours scream
Streaming with ghosts
From this or that one's Dreams
pheromone's projectile spins
Will you Dance with me

Still no one comes
Till noOne comes
Hollow walls and
Hallowed voices
Squelch the Damned Refrain
Still no one comes
Till no OneComes
I paint my world
A murky Soylent Green








Soylent Green

Thursday, June 03, 2010

I HAVE LOVED YOU

I HAVE LOVED YOU

I have loved you
For Oh so long it seems
with tears, ‘n’ fears and
Sadness of not having you
Here with me

I have loved you
For Oh so long
not knowing Who you are
or even What you would be
yet knowing that somehow
you are a Part of me
I have loved you
For Oh so long and
Dreamed of holding you
in my arms close to my heart
and lulling you to sleep

I have loved you
For Oh so long
without a picture
an image to show or
even an Identity

I have loved you
For Oh so long and
Finally knowing
That you ARE
And we will be Family

I have loved you
For Oh so long
My little One
My only Son
My Ezra!

 
I have loved you
For Oh so long
Knowing you will be
God’s Help in life
And such a
Help to me!

I have loved you
For Oh so long
crying tears of insanity
as political forces,
barriers and seas
keep you so far away
from me

I have loved you
For Oh so long
My Son
Hold on!
and one day soon
We are coming
Come Hell or high water
To bring you home
To be
our family





©jodyB

June 2, 2010







I HAVE LOVED YOU FOR OH SO LONG


I HAVE LOVED YOU







I have loved you


For Oh so long it seems


with tears, ‘n’ fears and


Sadness of not having you


Here with me






I have loved you


For Oh so long


not knowing Who you are


or even What you would be


yet knowing that somehow


you are a Part of me






I have loved you


For Oh so long and


Dreamed of holding you


in my arms close to my heart


and lulling you to sleep






I have loved you


For Oh so long


without a picture


an image to show or


even an Identity






I have loved you


For Oh so long and


Finally knowing


That you ARE


And we will be Family






I have loved you


For Oh so long


My little One


My only Son


My Ezra!






I have loved you


For Oh so long


Knowing you will be


God’s Help in life


And such a


Help to me!






I have loved you


For Oh so long


crying tears of insanity


as political forces,


barriers and seas


keep you so far away


from me










I have loved you


For Oh so long


My Son


Hold on!


and one day soon


We are coming


Come Hell or high water


To bring you home


To be


our family










©jodyB


June 2, 2010














Wednesday, June 02, 2010

BUT...YOU DON'T KNOW ME

BUT YOU DON’T KNOW ME




I flitter, I twirl, I dance
But…you don’t know me
my heart cries out
my soul bleeds
my hunger insatiable
But…you don’t know me


I go on Mindtrips
Lost in my head
Looking for yesterdays
That never were
Or were some how
wrapped
In barbed wire
With pretty yellow roses
and purple satin trim
But…you don’t know me

I have songs inside
Inside me lives a
muse ..
dying for recognition
trying to come out and
play before you
But…you don’t know me
I have a spirit
That loves the Aba FATHER
and so LONGS for
you to know Him
so I can share that part
that special Part of me
But…you don’t know me

Sometimes I live
In HELL
With the Fire burning
and the flames seducing
but there seems no
one cares or hears
my screams
And
you don’t Hear me

i wish i could dance
with you
and hold you tight
My Hero, my Knight
I wish I could bring
You close to my Soul and
KNOW you are really there
And I have tried to
Let you in
to my most intimate me
Yet still

you don’t know me

©jodyB

June 1, 2010¬

I HAVE LOVED YOU FOR OH SO LONG

I HAVE LOVED YOU







I have loved you


For Oh so long it seems


with tears, ‘n’ fears and


Sadness of not having you

Here with me






I have loved you


For Oh so long


not knowing Who you are


or even What you would be


yet knowing that somehow


you are a Part of me





I have loved you


For Oh so long and


Dreamed of holding you


in my arms close to my heart


and lulling you to sleep






I have loved you


For Oh so long


without a picture


an image to show or


even an Identity






I have loved you


For Oh so long and


Finally knowing


That you ARE


And we will be Family






I have loved you


For Oh so long


My little One


My only Son


My Ezra!






I have loved you


For Oh so long


Knowing you will be


God’s Help in life


And such a


Help to me!






I have loved you


For Oh so long


crying tears of insanity


as political forces,


barriers and seas


keep you so far away


from me










I have loved you


For Oh so long


My Son


Hold on!


and one day soon


We are coming


Come Hell or high water


To bring you home


To be


our family










©jodyB


June 2, 2010