came to believe i am powerless over this compulsion/addiction and pain. YES... I am Powerless. I walk away, I go there, i fall, slip.., my heart cries, i pray, i get hope, i walk away, i go "There", i fall, Slip into the behaviour that brings pain/joy-relief and more pain and shame. Am I letting Go///' I do for a while...I start my paper routes singing, lifting my arms in the air, praising God... And i am Sincere... then the Lies come... Well, just bring a flower to him to let him know i care... but i will not try to see him...the lies that i have control...the lies that i can make it... I live my life... I do not want to end my life... I am in a better place than i have been in several months... mostly cuz i am seeking... and i have found you'all in love and support... mostly because i am wanting to be free--- to turn my will and my life over to God...I do not want to Change my life... i do not want my marriage to end.. I do not want to hurt/betray my husband anymore. I don't want to seek relieve from my inner pain this way... but i Do... there is pain in this life... we all have it, and we all have our various ways of coping. I believe that i a Child of God... and that He promises Hope and Life for me... But the Shame is eating away...BPD... Borderline Personality Disorder. "I Love you, i hate you... please don't leave me...BPD.. this is a pervasive illness
1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self; or sense of long-term goals; or career choices, types of friends desired or values preferred.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging: for example; spending, sex, substance abuse, and binge eating.
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
6. Affective instability: marked shifts from baseline mood to depression, irritability, or anxiety, usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days.
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger; frequent displays of temper.
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.and slowly i sink into despondancy
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Dream last nite May 5th 08
I LOOKED down at my right heel/ankle saw some skin was pulling away like a blister… but did NOT hurt…
I decided to peel the skin off( like a sunburn that is peeling). I continued peeling… I was amazed… an unbelievable amount of skin was coming off several layers thick… and all intact. I showed this (which I thought was like a costume or something to Steve (or was it Bobbie???) I also showed this to Susie. They both agreed that it was STRANGE… I thought about putting the Skin back on… like a dress or something… Both said NO!!! The old skin had begun to stink… and was repulsive to them.
I think this dream is very Prophetic…
Kinda like the new wine in old wine skins
See wickipedia at end of this msg.
New Wine into Old Wineskins is a saying of Jesus found in the Gospel of Matthew 9:17, Gospel of Mark 2:22 and Gospel of Luke 5:37-39. The wording is similar in all three gospels except for the additional verses recorded by Luke.
Luke's version reads:
And no one puts new wine into old wineskins; otherwise the new wine will burst the skins and will be spilled, and the skins will be destroyed. But new wine must be put into fresh wineskins. And no one after drinking old wine desires new wine, but says, “The old is good.” ’ NRSV
In the three synoptic gospels the saying is given immediately after the recruitment of Levi/Matthew to be a follower, and is given as a secondary justification for why Jesus' disciples do not fast, even though those of John the Baptist do (Mark 2:18-20).
[edit] Interpretations
The metaphors were drawn from contemporary culture. Wineskins would stretch with new wine being put in as it continues to ferment, and then they would harden. If new wine was put into a hardened wineskin, the continued fermentation risked bursting the skin. Similarly, new cloth would be expected to shrink considerably, so using it to patch already-shrunken cloth would be asking for problems.
Taken together with Jesus' similar statement about not using new cloth to patch old clothing (Mark 2:21), this saying is often interpreted to mean that Jesus' new teaching will not fit within the Jewish religion, or within the religious structures of the time. Many, especially Christians, have interpreted it as Jesus saying he was the start of a new religion separate from Judaism, and from that of John the Baptist, for example see Ignatius of Antioch Magnesians X. Some Christians have used it to propose new ways of being Christian or even entirely new forms of Christianity. In the early second century Marcion used it to justify his doctrine of Marcionism.
Others view the phrase in Luke 5:39 in conflict with these interpretations. The passage says, "And no one, after drinking old wine wishes for new; for he says, 'The old is good enough.'" (NASB) Rather than incompatibility of new and old religious structures, it has been suggested parable of new and old wineskins is about the nature of teaching and those who are taught. "No one takes a lesson meant for a new student and tries to teach it to an old (already educated) student. If he does, he will fail to teach the new student, and the lesson meant for the new student will be rejected by the old student."[1]. See also New Covenant and Christian View of the Law.
[edit] Gospel of Thomas
Anyway… I am thinking the dream has to do with me taking off the “Skins” that are worn and no longer needed. Wanting to be fresh… but STRANGLY, I try to wear the OLD skin like a dress/// to put it back ON me…. But it is an NOT nice…
Tell me what you think… isn’t this kind of prophetic or insightful in a way… about my struggles with overcoming my addictions and Pain,and my Hunger for Grace and New Life… kinda like putting off the Old Man
Just found this blog online….
Ephesians 4:20-22Paul has told his readers their lives are to be very different from what they once were. Before they came to faith in Christ they lived just like all the people around them. They were idolaters. They pursued all kinds of immorality. Their hearts were hardened toward God. But this was the old way of life and they must realize the old way of life must be left behind.Now the apostle turns our thinking toward what we need to do in order to live the kind of lives God has for us. He doesn’t leave us floundering around in the dark. He doesn’t just tell us we have to be different from the world around us. He actually tells us what we have to do and how we have to do it.Paul begins in verses 20 and 21 by reminding us how we came to know Christ. He is not talking about our conversion here. He is talking about how we came to be intimate with Jesus following our conversion. He is contrasting the lifestyle of the unconverted person with that of the Christian. In verses 18 and 19 he said the unconverted people have hearts that are hardened toward God and because of the hardness of their hearts they immerse themselves in all kinds of sensuality and impurity, continually desiring more. Christians are changed. We have new hearts that are attuned to God. We have the Holy Spirit of God living in us and working on our hearts and minds. We have been turned toward God. And having been turned toward God, we begin to come to know Christ and understand him and share fellowship with him. When we learned Christ we were no longer like the people of the world. He goes on to say that if we really heard Jesus and if we were really taught the truth that is in Jesus then it is plain to see that we cannot return to our old lives but must continue to grow in our Christian lives.What are we supposed to do? Paul says we are to put off our old man. He uses the same words one would use to describe changing clothes. You have to take off one outfit and put on a new outfit. The outfit we have to take off is our old man, our old way of life. What is the old man? It is what we were at birth. It is the person we used to be; the person who was born in sin because of the fall of Adam. Paul describes the old man in verses 17-19. He is futile in his thinking and darkened in his understanding because of sin. He is separated from the life of God and his heart is hardened. As a result of these things he pursues all kinds of sin and hungers for more. This old man is being corrupted; he is dying but he doesn’t realize it because his desires are deceiving him.This old man should influence us no longer. He was put to death when you became a Christian and were recreated as a child of God. Notice that Paul says, “You were taught to put off your old man.” When you became a follower of Jesus you were taught to put off the fallen, sinful man. The verb tense Paul uses means, “You were taught to put off your old man once and for all.” If this is something we were supposed to do once and for all, then why does Paul tell his readers in verse 25 that they must put off the sins of their old lives? It has to do with the fact that as long as we are still living in our fallen and corruptible bodies we are susceptible to the weight of sin. Remember Paul’s own testimony in Romans 7:18-25. Even Paul struggled with sin! So what he means is this: “You were taught to put off the old man when you came to faith in Christ, and so you did. But as time has passed you may have slipped back into some of your old behaviors. You still need to put off the old man once and for all!”
posted by Shiloh Guy @ Saturday, January 27, 2007 0 comments
I LOOKED down at my right heel/ankle saw some skin was pulling away like a blister… but did NOT hurt…
I decided to peel the skin off( like a sunburn that is peeling). I continued peeling… I was amazed… an unbelievable amount of skin was coming off several layers thick… and all intact. I showed this (which I thought was like a costume or something to Steve (or was it Bobbie???) I also showed this to Susie. They both agreed that it was STRANGE… I thought about putting the Skin back on… like a dress or something… Both said NO!!! The old skin had begun to stink… and was repulsive to them.
I think this dream is very Prophetic…
Kinda like the new wine in old wine skins
See wickipedia at end of this msg.
New Wine into Old Wineskins is a saying of Jesus found in the Gospel of Matthew 9:17, Gospel of Mark 2:22 and Gospel of Luke 5:37-39. The wording is similar in all three gospels except for the additional verses recorded by Luke.
Luke's version reads:
And no one puts new wine into old wineskins; otherwise the new wine will burst the skins and will be spilled, and the skins will be destroyed. But new wine must be put into fresh wineskins. And no one after drinking old wine desires new wine, but says, “The old is good.” ’ NRSV
In the three synoptic gospels the saying is given immediately after the recruitment of Levi/Matthew to be a follower, and is given as a secondary justification for why Jesus' disciples do not fast, even though those of John the Baptist do (Mark 2:18-20).
[edit] Interpretations
The metaphors were drawn from contemporary culture. Wineskins would stretch with new wine being put in as it continues to ferment, and then they would harden. If new wine was put into a hardened wineskin, the continued fermentation risked bursting the skin. Similarly, new cloth would be expected to shrink considerably, so using it to patch already-shrunken cloth would be asking for problems.
Taken together with Jesus' similar statement about not using new cloth to patch old clothing (Mark 2:21), this saying is often interpreted to mean that Jesus' new teaching will not fit within the Jewish religion, or within the religious structures of the time. Many, especially Christians, have interpreted it as Jesus saying he was the start of a new religion separate from Judaism, and from that of John the Baptist, for example see Ignatius of Antioch Magnesians X. Some Christians have used it to propose new ways of being Christian or even entirely new forms of Christianity. In the early second century Marcion used it to justify his doctrine of Marcionism.
Others view the phrase in Luke 5:39 in conflict with these interpretations. The passage says, "And no one, after drinking old wine wishes for new; for he says, 'The old is good enough.'" (NASB) Rather than incompatibility of new and old religious structures, it has been suggested parable of new and old wineskins is about the nature of teaching and those who are taught. "No one takes a lesson meant for a new student and tries to teach it to an old (already educated) student. If he does, he will fail to teach the new student, and the lesson meant for the new student will be rejected by the old student."[1]. See also New Covenant and Christian View of the Law.
[edit] Gospel of Thomas
Anyway… I am thinking the dream has to do with me taking off the “Skins” that are worn and no longer needed. Wanting to be fresh… but STRANGLY, I try to wear the OLD skin like a dress/// to put it back ON me…. But it is an NOT nice…
Tell me what you think… isn’t this kind of prophetic or insightful in a way… about my struggles with overcoming my addictions and Pain,and my Hunger for Grace and New Life… kinda like putting off the Old Man
Just found this blog online….
Ephesians 4:20-22Paul has told his readers their lives are to be very different from what they once were. Before they came to faith in Christ they lived just like all the people around them. They were idolaters. They pursued all kinds of immorality. Their hearts were hardened toward God. But this was the old way of life and they must realize the old way of life must be left behind.Now the apostle turns our thinking toward what we need to do in order to live the kind of lives God has for us. He doesn’t leave us floundering around in the dark. He doesn’t just tell us we have to be different from the world around us. He actually tells us what we have to do and how we have to do it.Paul begins in verses 20 and 21 by reminding us how we came to know Christ. He is not talking about our conversion here. He is talking about how we came to be intimate with Jesus following our conversion. He is contrasting the lifestyle of the unconverted person with that of the Christian. In verses 18 and 19 he said the unconverted people have hearts that are hardened toward God and because of the hardness of their hearts they immerse themselves in all kinds of sensuality and impurity, continually desiring more. Christians are changed. We have new hearts that are attuned to God. We have the Holy Spirit of God living in us and working on our hearts and minds. We have been turned toward God. And having been turned toward God, we begin to come to know Christ and understand him and share fellowship with him. When we learned Christ we were no longer like the people of the world. He goes on to say that if we really heard Jesus and if we were really taught the truth that is in Jesus then it is plain to see that we cannot return to our old lives but must continue to grow in our Christian lives.What are we supposed to do? Paul says we are to put off our old man. He uses the same words one would use to describe changing clothes. You have to take off one outfit and put on a new outfit. The outfit we have to take off is our old man, our old way of life. What is the old man? It is what we were at birth. It is the person we used to be; the person who was born in sin because of the fall of Adam. Paul describes the old man in verses 17-19. He is futile in his thinking and darkened in his understanding because of sin. He is separated from the life of God and his heart is hardened. As a result of these things he pursues all kinds of sin and hungers for more. This old man is being corrupted; he is dying but he doesn’t realize it because his desires are deceiving him.This old man should influence us no longer. He was put to death when you became a Christian and were recreated as a child of God. Notice that Paul says, “You were taught to put off your old man.” When you became a follower of Jesus you were taught to put off the fallen, sinful man. The verb tense Paul uses means, “You were taught to put off your old man once and for all.” If this is something we were supposed to do once and for all, then why does Paul tell his readers in verse 25 that they must put off the sins of their old lives? It has to do with the fact that as long as we are still living in our fallen and corruptible bodies we are susceptible to the weight of sin. Remember Paul’s own testimony in Romans 7:18-25. Even Paul struggled with sin! So what he means is this: “You were taught to put off the old man when you came to faith in Christ, and so you did. But as time has passed you may have slipped back into some of your old behaviors. You still need to put off the old man once and for all!”
posted by Shiloh Guy @ Saturday, January 27, 2007 0 comments
Monday, May 05, 2008
Once again its you
Once again its you
In the deep recesses of my soul,
my heart cries out to you
for just one more touch of you.
In my dreams i pull you close holding you in
realizing that when (and if) i awake i must let go..
.Release you to the heavens
you
are no more
not here.. can’t hear you
And I remain
alone in this pain no one can touch no one can see
chest hurts heart heavy
eyes downcast memories change
Kaleidoscope images no freedom
feelings are a persona now
ghostly apparitions phantoms of nevermore or maybe never quite was
Damn it! Damn it!!!
Where are you now??
Why the nothingness when i reach out
to you - you are not here
so many times i do not want to go on with out you
you have moved on
i am still here with only memories
and still the PAIN
i cannot
i will not
let you go!
(c) jodyB -may 21, 2007
In the deep recesses of my soul,
my heart cries out to you
for just one more touch of you.
In my dreams i pull you close holding you in
realizing that when (and if) i awake i must let go..
.Release you to the heavens
you
are no more
not here.. can’t hear you
And I remain
alone in this pain no one can touch no one can see
chest hurts heart heavy
eyes downcast memories change
Kaleidoscope images no freedom
feelings are a persona now
ghostly apparitions phantoms of nevermore or maybe never quite was
Damn it! Damn it!!!
Where are you now??
Why the nothingness when i reach out
to you - you are not here
so many times i do not want to go on with out you
you have moved on
i am still here with only memories
and still the PAIN
i cannot
i will not
let you go!
(c) jodyB -may 21, 2007
and i will ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!!
Bearman...
no one has ever loved me the way you did... no one has ever accepted me,,, even when i fail them... no one has ever cared...You always would say... "Forever and Always!" in the last few months you started to say..."ForEver and BEYOND!"
I MISS YOU SOOOO MUCH it hurts, rips my heart out sometimes.
Still i am glad... glad that you are gone from the pain... the pain of CANCER that ravaged your soul and dignity...
BEARS...3 years today... you left this earth... Now, i believe you are FREE, at last... with the Creator... and perhaps God has sent you as my Angel to watch over me!!!
But Bears... the horrible part of me... the pain of SHAME and Addiction, still plagues me...
I Miss you BEARS...
\
Forever And Always...
jodyB
i will always Love you
i miss you... i cannot Find you.... Where are you..
But you said that you would be with me... f0rever and BEYOND!! now you are in BEYOND,...
and i am here alone
the pain and lonliness does nto go away... yet the memories are sweet, and someitmes i laugh out loud.... we had our own special language... you and i
3 YEARS... 3 YEARS you have been gone... So glad that you are no longer suffering from the pain of cancer... But wish i could have been with you to help you through!
Don't know why or how you could have put up with me.... I HURT YOU... yet still you were there for me. you wanted to leave to let go, but you said you couldn't ---becuase friends don't do that to Friends. We were more than friends we were/ARE soulmates. No one has ever loved me like you did... no one has ever accepted me like you....
Bearman... i will ALWAYS love you...
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