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Wednesday, April 12, 2006

FRUSTRATION

today i went to see gyno to have another shot of testosterone. Told him of the scariness inside and all the pent up frustrations and acting out on web. Did not know if wanted the shot or not... thinking that it may produce some of this angst. I want to be attractive to my husband... I do not want to loose "me" as I know me. I have always had a relatively high sexual energy... and it has been a source of addictive behaviour for me. Don't want the addictive behaviour... but still want the energy... the desire to be desired, and the desire to please.

I am frustrated. I want to beat out my frustrations some way. I have done so in the past by running, biking, and using the punch bag. What will i do today.

Will be going to work tomorrow evening. That should help.

God... are you hearing me??? PLEASE!!!!

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

LONELINESS AND SEX

It is a constant struggle... This pull toward physical,mental fulfillment. Stress is part of life... Always. When the frustration becomes too intense, the soul yearns for freedom and relief. I cry for health... Spiritual awakening.... I cry to ask the Lord to keep me from myself and my own longings... I feel as if I am drowning... and i reach out to the universe.. or, to the very thing that snares me.... my own addiction/compulsion.

Sex is good. I like it... but i yearn for more than there is right now. Is it the Relationship that I find lacking? My Love is not enuf to cover my need...I want to be touched, cuddled, stroked, and seduced. We mis-connect. And I go searching for the nebulous fix. I long to give, but am in sore need of receiving. Mostly, I find self fulfillment, boring and guilt producing... Lately it seems i am insatiable, and crave the release of pent up sexual,emotional frustration. I fantasize..... And again I feel the release of flow... I want more! I want more... More than just sexual release... Yet i want that.

I feel like the woman in "looking for Mr. Goodbar" living one life in public, and quite another in private.

Searches have led me to a thirst and a hunger and desire. And I'm afraid to explore.... I feel pulled down into the cauldron --- the vixen is at it again!

Here comes the passions... Will they be the death of the me???


_____________________________________________

labyrinth
This labyrinth
This Frightful Maze
is Home
Home to the Caged
The Haunted Spectre
the hooked nose Ancient One
Who wears anorexic skin
like bags of courage.
To the somnambulistic Child
running in and out of
Fantasy
and Dream-like reality
Home
to the Seductive Wench
cajoling all to dance
the sordid swirl with the
Phantom of Virility
--to the Angry serpent
spitting venomous lies
and shooting daggers of obscenities.
This Labryinth
this frightful Maze is Home
Home to the many
voices and facets
of my personality
(c) jody

Monday, April 10, 2006