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Tuesday, November 22, 2005

All in a Days Work

Life is stressful, and so it goes. There is no easy way out of this prison, this prism. I know that God is in charge. I believe that, but my heart is upset, my Faith is lacking, my Soul is Sad. I want to do well in all that I do. I want my work to be important and Appreciated. I do not want to be stagnant. I Yearn for Growth. For Hope. For Peace. And Beyond.

I feel so sad, and so anxious. Yet, I know that I am doing what I know to be right. If I err, I do so sincerely. Lord Forgive me for the Wrong I Do, Help me to Lean on You.

I love my work. Sure it is stressful. What job isn't. I love working with people that need me. I have the Heart of a Care Giver by Nature, and so I am grateful to be in this line of work. I have studied hard... Worked hard. Learned new skills. I am adapting to the changes around me. Yet I feel troubled that there is so much stress here... both among the Residents, and the Staff, and Mgmnt. I must not be consumed... or it will loose me. Stay on my goals... Give till it hurts... as long as I am refreshed by my Lord. Pour it out on me... Pour it out on me. Pour it out on me... Pour your Spirit out on me.

My ultimate perpose in Life is to be a picture of Christ. Let Him be glorified in my Life. He is Life... He is the Anwer to all my needs, my sorrows, and my pain. And through Him, i will overcome... To His Name be Glory and Honour forever more!!

Bearlady

Monday, September 12, 2005

HERE & NOW

THOUGHTS SWIMMING LOUDLY INSIDE MY HEAD... AMIDST THE CHAOS BOTH INSIDE AND OUTSIDE OF MY SPACE. I AM ALONE, YET NOT LONELY. ALONE FOR A FEW LITTLE WHILES YET. THE KIDS AND GRANDKIDS ARE ON THE PORCH OR IN THE TRAILER. BOBBIE AND HIS DAUGHTER KERRY ARE OUT TO A FIRST-AID COURSE. THE TV IS ON... JUST FOR NOISE, I THINK. THE PUPPIES ARE QUIET. ALONENESS FEELS GOOD RIGHT NOW. MY HEART AND SOUL CRY OUT FOR SPACE... MY SPACE... MY TIME.

TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY. WENT WALKING WITH A FRIEND AND HER DAUGHTER... THEN HAD SOME HOMEMADE SOUP FOR LUNCH. REALLY ENJOYED THE COMPANIONSHIP OF ALICE AND HER DAUGHTRE MELONY. WE WALKED FOR ABOUT 3 MILES. I BIKED OVER THERE, ABOUT 3 MILES, AS WELL. IT IS A NICE COOLISH DAY MAYBE ABOUT 20 DEGREES CELSIUS. A LIGHT BREEZE, AND SOME CLOUDS IN THE SKY.

TOMORROW IS THE BEARMAN'S BIRTHDAY. HE WOULD BE 71 YRS OLD. THE MEMORIES WILL STAY. ALL THE GOOD TIMES, YES, EVEN THE BAD AND PAINFUL ONES. BUT I MISS HIM. I MISS HIS VOICE. I MISS HIS VERBAL HUGS. I MISS RIDING WITH HIM. I REALLY MISS HIM.

LIFE IS FOR THE LIVING... SO LIFE GOES ON....and so it goes


the Bearlady

Saturday, August 06, 2005

"PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER"


A very dear Friend of mine was a Police sargaent in Beverly Hills, many years ago. He had a lot of challenges while still young. He lost his wife, also a Police officer, to a heart attack, he got injured and no longer was able to work for the BHPD... And then in the last 15 years he developed prostate cancer. This ultimatly took his life. He was a Real Trooper, though. he would go to Battle for anyone of thing he truly believed in. He had this one saying that I have adopted.
"JUST PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER... AND WATCH OUT WHERE YOU ARE STEPPING!"

Things happen, Bad things happen, Life has many challenges. But that is the very definition of life....Acceptance is the Reward for True Peace.

My life is harried right now. I often feel "fenced in". I often think that I may crumple under the load of stresses that bring me down....An inward voice calls to "release my Anxieties to God, for HE cares for me!" (1peter 5:7) I often want to hide and feel that i can no longer make it in the Real World. Yet somehow, I keep going. I am lots stronger than I know I am.... "Like my friend... I must PUTONEFOOTFRONTOF THE OTHER AND WATCHOUTWHEREI AM STEPPING!" and a song sings over me... we are not left powerless. God will help us to get through... for I can do all things thru Christs which strengthens me.

Have a Blessed Hopefilled Day

Monday, August 01, 2005

A time for Forgiveness/Acceptance

Hi all.;;;

Sunday was a pretty good day. I went to church... Late, cuz one the grandkids had lost his shoes and had to buy so...me for both. ANy way, I was late. Pastor Orlando was Speaking on "High Definition Life-Relationship with God." The scripture was taken from when Jesus 3 times asked Peter if he loved Him. As I was writing some notes, I wrote down: Jesus... do you Love me???

Of Course I know that Jesus Loves Me... But life has been hurting so much lately... Where has He been!!!

Christ gave Peter the opportunity to re-connect with him by publically announcing and confirming his love for Him. 3 times Peter had betrayed him in public... denying that he knew Jesus. 3 times Jesus openly asked Jesus to affirm Peter's Love for Him. I make mistakes, I sin. I hurt inside. I hurt others. Other people, even my mate, hurt me. and so it goes. 3 times Jesus asked for Peter to Affirm his Love.

How many times have I denied Christ, in my anger, fear and Pain. Remember when Peter asked the Lord "how often shall I forgive my brother and I forgive him... Up to 7 times?" But Jesus said "No, not only 7 times, but 70 times 7.The Parable goes on to speak of a King that was looking at his accounts and found a servant that owed him 10,000 dollars, as it were. The servant fell on his face begging the king to forgive the great debt, which the Lord did. And of course the servant then went out to collect his Own debts from those who owed him. Turns out he was gonna throw one man into prison for not paying a very small debt... perhaps 10 dollars. other people heard about the servants unfairness with his debtor and complained to the king.


So many times I have asked God for help... for forgiveness.
Ok... I have hurt others... I have hurt my Hubby.. He has hurt me. He scares me . I annoy him. Yet we both love each other. We are called to be different. God knoews we need help, we cannot do this alone. But, as we are forgiven by God, so may we forgive each other. "still, I am scared!"

Bobbie did a lot yesterday. He mowed the front lawn, cleaned up after the puppies and took the boys to the waterpark. He even came to get me... I did say I would meet them there, despite just wanting to stay home in bed.(Forever!) It ended up being a Good Day.

Here are some words of a poem that a cousin sent to my Mom when my Dad Died.

He Giveth more Grace when the burdens grow Greater
He sendeth more strength when the Labours increase
To Addeth Affliction, He addeth His Mercy
To Multiplied Trials, His Multiplied Peace
When we have exhausted our store of endurance
When our strength has failed, ere the day is half done
When reach the end of horded resources
Our Fathers full Giving has only begun.

His Love has no limit
His Grace has no measure
His Power no Boundaries
known unto man
For out of His Infinite
Riches in Jesus
He Giveth and Giveth and Giveth
Again.


and so is another day.

Monday, July 11, 2005

FINE Border Line Personality Disorder

Hey...

When I was in "recovery" I heard the Term F.I.N.E. was an accronym for

Fearful
Insecure
Neurotic
Emotional

Well, that is what i am right now... Scared!!! So much is happening inside my head.I am traveling a hundred miles a minute in so many directions.... And I am not very able to stop the spinning.

Usually my messages are mostly upbeat.... BuT I need Help...

Is there anyONE Out there who can help and Understand and STOP THE CHAOS INSIDEEE



HELP PLEASE

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Strange nite at work

Wow!!! I had a really Strange nite at work. The fire alarms were going off continuously from 3:15 to 4:20AM Many of the Residents of the Adult Assisted Living Facility were quite agitated. I left my work in the Specialty care unit and ran up the stairs to the 3rd floor... Telling people who were up to go back to their rooms and shut the door. We are having a Fire Drill. It was a truly awful experience!!! My ears were hurting. But Something was different., I was In charge of some of these Folks... I had a job to do. Make sure the people were all safe. , So consequently, I put every thin out of my mind to the best of my ability, and on maintaining their safety and my Sanity. It is often that I go into crying spells and have anxiety attacks. How odd that I could redirect my tendancies to panics. I call it the Enforcer mode, You see, when there is serious trauma around, I can handle it sometimes, but when the whirlwind is in me... I Loose it... I Cry, I crumble... I whole up in a little ball.

Food for thought:If I shift my focus from the internal chaos, and look at the external pain, will I then be able to controls and soothe my
own unwielding emotions. I am worth Caring for. I care for the Residents at the Home. I am someone important too. I matter.. Stand up and Fight, You can do this, I knnow you can!!!!

Friday, June 17, 2005

Pennys from Heaven

The Story tells of a very Rich American who picked up a penny while on the way to an expensive dinner.
He held it up and smiled, then put it in his pocket as if he had found a great treasure.

A friend asked why he thot the Penny was of such great worth, he replied She casually mentioned that her daughter once had a coin collection, and asked if the penny he had found had been of some value. A smile crept across the man's face as he reached into his pocket for the penny and held it out for her to see. She had seen many pennies before! What was the point of this?

"Look at it." He said. "Read what it says." She read the words "United States of America."

"No, not that; read further."

"One cent?"

"No, keep reading."

"In God we Trust?"

"Yes!"

"And?"

"And if I trust in God, the name of God is holy, even on a coin. Whenever I find a coin I see that inscription. It is written on every single United States coin, but we never seem to notice it! God drops a message right in front of me telling me to trust Him? Who am I to pass it by? When I see a coin, I pray, I stop to see if my trust IS in God at that moment. I pick the coin up as a response to God; that I do trust in Him. For a short time, at least, I cherish it as if it were gold. I think it is God's way of starting a conversation with me. Lucky for me, God is patient and pennies are plentiful!"

How is that for God getting your Attention.

OK GOD... I may not understand everything that is happening right now,


<, but I DO know that YOU IN CHARGE!!! Thank you for the reminder...

"As for me and MY HOUSE, We will serve the Lord." AMEN!!!

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Thots & What Knots

Thots & What Knots

just found this web posting... Its SOOOO cool.

God is Always watching... Always listening... We need to come to him with the faith of a child. Children are more IN THE MOMENT then adults. Kids learn to trust Special Adults for their Care. Thats what we need to do with God.


http://www.passionup.com/mp/blank/blank100.htm?e=imkld%40yahoo%2ecom&f=imkld%40yahoo%2ecom&cfp=1&h=7a49f7e8064d5e26&mp=1

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Sometimes Hallelujah!

Thots & What Knots

Ya know... I am so Far from being perfect. I struggle with Depression every day... Sometimes Several Times a Day. I give in to Faulty Believes that I am No good and Not worth much... But Guess What!~~~ God does not see me that way. He sees us through Jesus Christ who Spread out his arms for us. We are COvered by the Blood of Christ.

I have been tortured inside... Very Troubled. I needed... Desperately Needed to be at church, but working the Night shift has not always made me aggreable to going. Today I did... And I fell Down on my face and Cried and Prayed with the Pastor. A lady whom I did not know came up and prayed over me. She said that she was Called to come up to me... Turns out she suffers from Depression to. I still suffer from Depression... It is a Disease,. a Dis Ease... But God is Gracious and Has Promised to be with me... ALways.

Ya know what, I got a wonderful gift after church. I had parked in front of a bush. The Bush had one flower, a Morning Glory (I think) white and Pure. It was as if God wanted me to have it.... As if He were saying... "I see you Whiter than snow..Because of Jesus. And I Love you. This is a Token of my Love~

Sooo

Sometimes Allelujah, Sometimes Praise the Lord!


Blessings

Monday, May 23, 2005

Lazy

Do ever feel lazy??

Well, I feel lazy, that is Lazy to do the chores that I am s'posed to do. I got up early this morning. Did some computer work, and then snuck back into bed with Hubby. Snuggled down tight with all my Bears!!! (One can never has too many Bears!) then I slept deep and good for another 3 hrs!!! I got up again at noon... ate cereal and did some on-line surveys. Meanwhile... my chores stared at me... beconing. I ignored the 1/2 folded laundry put hastily on the sofa. I squelched my desire to vacuum downstairs, and also the long time chore of power washing the front porch.

So, here I sit... in my lazy boy chair... looking out the window at a very "inauspious day" as Momma would say. I am feeling so warm... so Fuzzy.So at peace. Hubby is sleeping on the sofa in front of me. My Girl is downstairs with the stereo/computer blasting. My kittis have snuggled up to me on several occasions. I am PHATTTT!!! I am grateful. I have a wonderful little Home... A Special Family... my Pets are my kids also... I live in a Free Country. I am Not being persecuted for my Faith, or the Colour of my Skin. I have Food to eat and clothes to wear. and I have the Wonderful LUXURY of being Just Plain LAZY!!!

Yesterday, while doing yard work... I stopped... lay down on the grass, spread my arms and closed my eyes. I became part of nature... hearing the birds, and the wind... feeling the warmth of the sun, and the coolness of the breeze..... What a Gift!!!

Thank God for the ability to be Lazy... Thank You Lord, for All the Gifts you have bestowed on us... A Home, Food, Clothes... and most of all Your Love.

Friday, May 20, 2005

A Time for Renewal

Each day we are given a fresh 24 hours to renew and begin again. How many times do we take that opportunity to forgive, to forget, to move on. I KNOW that I don't. So many days, and nites run into each other... It is nearly June, and I am barely getting over some of the pains from December. Time Flys!!!

It has been said "Yesterday is History, Tomorrow is a Mystery, and Today is a Present... It is a Gift!"

Lord, let me start each day remembering that you are in charge... That you hold me in You have given me Your hand. Let me begin each day with a Prayer... First of Thanksgiving- that You have given me SOOO MUCH~. And then to pray for my self and my Spouse and family members.... That we will Live each day as if it were our Last, So that You be glorfied.

"Today is the Day that the Lord has made, let us give thanks and be Glad in it!"

Shalom

Thursday, May 19, 2005

ots & What Knots

http://www.ajokeaday.com/

Hugs

Hugs are Great. I am one that Needs to Give & Receive them... A LOT!!! I have many to Give... Some people are not "Huggy" People... This does not make them Bad or Insecure, or even UnFeeling. Perhaps they have never really been Hugged themselves. Perhaps they are scared.... Or perhaps they just don't know how. There are Many Different kind of Hugs. There is the Voice Hug, which makes the Receiver feel warm and cuddled even though the Hug iscoming over a phone.

There is a Congratulatory Hug, An " I Miss you" Hug. A "Please Don't Leave me!" Hug.... There are Hugs that say "I Love you" and I Forgive You... and Hugs that say: I'm sorry

The Most wonderful Hug of all came from Jesus. Someone asked Jesus how much he Loves us.... :This Much", He said... Spread out His arms and He died! Thank You Lord for Dying in My place!

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Thots & What Knots

Thots & What Knots


God.... Thank You for Being Here with me... For Loving me and Helping me through this sometimes Painful,but Beautiful Life. Help me to be attune to you today... and as I work Tonite.

Please Bless my Family... and Help me, and Each of us to be a Blessing to Others.

In Jesus Name

Dedicated to THE BEARMAN

"What kind of Day was it:
It wasn't a Good Day,
It wasn't a Bad Day...
It was just another Day....
Like any Other,
filled with those events that
Alter and Illuminate our Lives..." WlH

William Lincoln Hutchins (BILL) left this earth on Thursday nite the 5th of May. He was, and always will be, my Bearman 9/1934 -5/2005.

Thank you Bears for Touching my Life~ I am so Grateful to God that have been my FRIEND and Family My Soul!
May you Sing with the Angels and Soar on to new hieghts!