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Tuesday, June 25, 2013

What Happened to my Smile

What happened to my Smile

Yesterday I started the day off right. I read my Bible (YouVersion) Philippians 1. I even posted a note about Joy. Paul was in Prison- in chains, when he penned this letter to the Church at  Philippi. Philippians calls for us to be Joyful-- no matter the circumstance. I was ruminating on Paul's Joy. "How can someone imprisoned and in chains be joyful?"  Then I checked out chapter 2 where we are told we are to have the Mind of Christ, who although HE IS GOD, humbled Himself to take the role of a servant. Even giving up His very life for us. 

And again, I thought about John 15 where JESUS Himself calls us to Abide in Him, as the branch can do nothing except it abide in The Vine.

All these Words and knowledge and desires put down on virtual paper. And then I went about my morning, getting ready for Church and the Church picnic.   I was trying hard to get it all done and to Church on time.   Yet like most things in my life, it didn't work out the way I had planned. The potato salad was made and was sumptuous. I was showered and dressed. But I couldn't find this part of my outfit. And my eye became irritated when I put in my contacts. Then when I was carefully taking one out, it became lost in the netherworld somewhere. 
Then I couldn't find my shoes. And so it goes. And finally in the car I decided to sneak to Timmies for a coffee. But while waiting at the red light for 3 consecutive cycles, it never did turn green, and I just turned left on a red light anyway. Finally with a large cup of Joe, and a special surprise donut and a side of bacon for da Puppy, I tried to find my way to the school where the picnic was held. By that time. The service would have been over and the picnic started. 
And yes I got there. A Nice Church Elder watched my puppy while I brought Auntie Jody's Famous 'out -of- this-world' potato salad to the gymnasium. I collected CappieBear with a grateful smile and found a spot of grass beneath a tree where we could sit and watch the goings on. I waited to get our food as I don't do crowds. I have anxiety. So I was a kid once again vicariously reliving the Church picnics of my younger days. I was singing to JESUS. I was feeling the joy. 
Till someone came and burst my joy- balloon. Oh No! They did not do this  purposefully. That was Not their intent. But rather to awaken me to my own Reality. And to show me my weakness. Why, once again, I wouldn't be a Choice Participant in a mission trip. I am Emotional. I can be erratic-- all over the place.  I am Different. 
For me to be part of this trip could be a problem for me, I was told. And so on. 

I quickly lost my joy. What do you do when you want to fit in and Be. And your outward expressions and BeHaviours have caused ppl to shy away from you. What do you do when you once again begin to question and hate the very essence of you??
 
Still I fought. I did not retreat, nor runaway. Rather i sat with my Puppy CappieBear and watched all the ppl living, laughing and talking and playing games. 

Eventually an Angel (a Deacon named Steve) came to talk with me. 

I'm Different. I walk and sing to Jesus while I'm walking. I dance at church when and where no one else does. I envelope the downtrodden in Jody-hugs (when I can). 
I'm Different. I Feel Life and express it stronger than most. I  cry uncontrollably. I have Anxiety. I expect ppl to understand me, but more often then not, they don't. How could they. My DNA is intensely different from theirs. I am Bright. And I am Creative. I live with severe Depression. and I am wonderfully/horribly me. 



Monday, June 04, 2012

HOLD ME!!! i;m scared n alone

Where are you now... once so close i could feel your warmth... you used to tell me that you would put me in your Pockie... and that i could put you in mine as well. My Heart HURTS///




I am tired of pain... but it is an ever present reality. I Miss you SOOOO MUCHLY... I don't know why or how you even put up with me, after all the things i did, and the emotional turmoil i was in...




You are here, only in my heart and mind...




But there are blessed and funny memories that keep you close.






Bearman, I will forever and always, forever and BEYOND... i will always love you

if i should die today (A POEM)

If i should die today

If I should die today
Having Become
Redundant

Would it even matter
In the Vast scheme of Things
in the Bangings of
This Universe

Or in your crowded Word
Your Archaically Overstuffed
Easy chair of a life
Where there is Little Room
For Edgewise Thinking

Perhaps I'm just fey
Or is it Fay
Seduced by the Fire
Dancing on the Flames
Begging for Recognition
Or just to Explain
That I am

Yes I am wordy
Even perhaps Verbose
Yes I am Extreme
The calamity of a Kaleidoscope
The Colourfully enigmatic
Images in the Mirrors
(when in Truth, it's all
A Hoax)

If I should die today
Would you remember me
In 25 yrs, your life is
Not the same
If I should die today
Would it even Matter
Having worn out my
Faustiness
A Lust for Significance
Would that I just
Dissipate into Matter



(c) jodyB
January 28, 2012

Saturday, June 02, 2012

Don't matter to most if my smile turns upside down

Or if my ever-willing paramour is the bed sheets on my bed. Don't matter to most if I scream or yell outloud  "I'm Here! I matter! and i have something to say!" And  i guess it just aint important that i have spread before you, like a much-loved Virgin whose Beloved, albeit bewildered, Bridegroom is anxious to partake his Love's Soul. i have lain splayed before your apathy.  i await you.  and the red-flushed apples of my cheeks grow bitter and tart. if i cant taunt you with my prepubescent need,then how will i know that you will be  there when i "come of age"?

and leadership is for "everyone else" and my desires to .share are for naught.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

SELF PORTRAIT

self portrait
i’m an addict
“everyone’s addicted to something”
you say
yes, but I’m an addict
 and my addiction is not
booze, nor drugs nor food.
it’s a feeling i’m addicted to.
do you remember
your Very first day of school
the popcorn excitement
like kernels waiting to pop?
Do you recall the drumroll of your heart
The finale,
As you look up and find
The object of your affection
 gazing at you?
and your hands tremble with sweat
and your heart beats out of your chest
and your heart pounds
within your ears
and your heart comes
inside of your mouth
as you swim in the depths of his eyes.
i’m addicted to the Rush
i’m addicted to the Fear
i’m addicted to the Chase
i’m addicted to the Feeling
that renews itself in
another’s face.
©jodyB
1988

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Kaleidescope

It aint no dif'rnt
Stays jes the same
Spiders crawlin' halls
Or malls or waterFalls
Within my brain

Vivid colours scream
Streaming with ghosts
From this or that one's Dreams
pheromone's projectile spins
Will you Dance with me

Still no one comes
Till noOne comes
Hollow walls and
Hallowed voices
Squelch the Damned Refrain
Still no one comes
Till no OneComes
I paint my world
A murky Soylent Green








Soylent Green

Thursday, June 03, 2010

I HAVE LOVED YOU

I HAVE LOVED YOU

I have loved you
For Oh so long it seems
with tears, ‘n’ fears and
Sadness of not having you
Here with me

I have loved you
For Oh so long
not knowing Who you are
or even What you would be
yet knowing that somehow
you are a Part of me
I have loved you
For Oh so long and
Dreamed of holding you
in my arms close to my heart
and lulling you to sleep

I have loved you
For Oh so long
without a picture
an image to show or
even an Identity

I have loved you
For Oh so long and
Finally knowing
That you ARE
And we will be Family

I have loved you
For Oh so long
My little One
My only Son
My Ezra!

 
I have loved you
For Oh so long
Knowing you will be
God’s Help in life
And such a
Help to me!

I have loved you
For Oh so long
crying tears of insanity
as political forces,
barriers and seas
keep you so far away
from me

I have loved you
For Oh so long
My Son
Hold on!
and one day soon
We are coming
Come Hell or high water
To bring you home
To be
our family





©jodyB

June 2, 2010







I HAVE LOVED YOU FOR OH SO LONG


I HAVE LOVED YOU







I have loved you


For Oh so long it seems


with tears, ‘n’ fears and


Sadness of not having you


Here with me






I have loved you


For Oh so long


not knowing Who you are


or even What you would be


yet knowing that somehow


you are a Part of me






I have loved you


For Oh so long and


Dreamed of holding you


in my arms close to my heart


and lulling you to sleep






I have loved you


For Oh so long


without a picture


an image to show or


even an Identity






I have loved you


For Oh so long and


Finally knowing


That you ARE


And we will be Family






I have loved you


For Oh so long


My little One


My only Son


My Ezra!






I have loved you


For Oh so long


Knowing you will be


God’s Help in life


And such a


Help to me!






I have loved you


For Oh so long


crying tears of insanity


as political forces,


barriers and seas


keep you so far away


from me










I have loved you


For Oh so long


My Son


Hold on!


and one day soon


We are coming


Come Hell or high water


To bring you home


To be


our family










©jodyB


June 2, 2010














Wednesday, June 02, 2010

BUT...YOU DON'T KNOW ME

BUT YOU DON’T KNOW ME




I flitter, I twirl, I dance
But…you don’t know me
my heart cries out
my soul bleeds
my hunger insatiable
But…you don’t know me


I go on Mindtrips
Lost in my head
Looking for yesterdays
That never were
Or were some how
wrapped
In barbed wire
With pretty yellow roses
and purple satin trim
But…you don’t know me

I have songs inside
Inside me lives a
muse ..
dying for recognition
trying to come out and
play before you
But…you don’t know me
I have a spirit
That loves the Aba FATHER
and so LONGS for
you to know Him
so I can share that part
that special Part of me
But…you don’t know me

Sometimes I live
In HELL
With the Fire burning
and the flames seducing
but there seems no
one cares or hears
my screams
And
you don’t Hear me

i wish i could dance
with you
and hold you tight
My Hero, my Knight
I wish I could bring
You close to my Soul and
KNOW you are really there
And I have tried to
Let you in
to my most intimate me
Yet still

you don’t know me

©jodyB

June 1, 2010¬

I HAVE LOVED YOU FOR OH SO LONG

I HAVE LOVED YOU







I have loved you


For Oh so long it seems


with tears, ‘n’ fears and


Sadness of not having you

Here with me






I have loved you


For Oh so long


not knowing Who you are


or even What you would be


yet knowing that somehow


you are a Part of me





I have loved you


For Oh so long and


Dreamed of holding you


in my arms close to my heart


and lulling you to sleep






I have loved you


For Oh so long


without a picture


an image to show or


even an Identity






I have loved you


For Oh so long and


Finally knowing


That you ARE


And we will be Family






I have loved you


For Oh so long


My little One


My only Son


My Ezra!






I have loved you


For Oh so long


Knowing you will be


God’s Help in life


And such a


Help to me!






I have loved you


For Oh so long


crying tears of insanity


as political forces,


barriers and seas


keep you so far away


from me










I have loved you


For Oh so long


My Son


Hold on!


and one day soon


We are coming


Come Hell or high water


To bring you home


To be


our family










©jodyB


June 2, 2010














Monday, May 31, 2010

Melocholony:To Plath or Not to Plath

Often Times, over the decades that have made up my life, i have vested much time in this melancholic  dream state i find myself.  the ineffable attraction toward "being self=possessed" and ending it all, as well as the dissatisfaction with the lack of acclaim or achievement continue to prevail.  The quandary and the all out dichotomy is that i have a very Strong Faith, and Relationship with GOD

i am married, 10 1/2 yrs with 5 grandchildren...2 step kids- I love my Grandchildren.. My family, my friends and church; but there is a certain almost seductive calling toward melancholia, toward suicide, the "TRAGICALLY HIP" life of Sylvia Plath, Virgina Woof,Emily Dickinson, and the like. and so it goes, and so it was and so i be

jodyB

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

FUZZY BEAR

ABOUT ME


July, 2005. Early Evening. I was cold, hungry and dirty. Seems I had been running around for a week or 2. Nobody looked for me. Nobody wanted me. I was Alone. I had found a nice bed, of sorts, under some leaves. Wasn’t much, but I was not one to complain. What was that noise? I heard some big people coming. I crunched down further under the leaves. What? The Big People are looking for me. Who Are they? WOW, a beautiful young woman picked me up and cuddled me. Then she put me in a box and handed the box to her dad. Would I be safe? Would I find a home again? Would someone love me? The Big People brought me to their house Another Big Person looked right through the filth and saw my eyes…. So hungry for love. She picked me up and bathed me in nice sudsy warm water. She kept cooing over me. She wrapped me in a Big Bathrobe, then held me for a long time till she had to leave. Would this be my home? Would I be Loved again? I was nine years old.

They say that I have a tattoo on my underside, the kind that breeders put on their animals. They say I was a kind of “puppy-mill” and then abandoned when I was no longer able to make puppies. I had bad teeth, horrible breath, and my Lady found a mammary tumor. My ears were filled with mites. In other words, I was NO princess! But my Lady loved me. And I Loved her. I would go every where with her. She had other 4 footeds, which put up with me, at first, and then straight on accepted me. I was home! I was Loved.

In the beginning my Lady was sad a lot. She told me she had lost a very special friend she called her Bearman. She wanted to name me in honour of him. She said “I will call you Fuzzy Bear because you are so fuzzy and you make me happy!”

Saturday, October 17, 2009

With No Apologies


With no Apologies


My Sleeve Is Visible to Most
with Tears ‘n’ Fears ‘n’ All Out Joy
Spilling Down my Cloak on to the ground
reBounding into the Eyes ofPeople i meet.
So if i Cry Out the Pain is Deep!
But i have A HOPE that comes from within
, and Others YOU send ~ A Hope of LIFE Beyond THE END=
(John 10:10)


The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life. John 10:10



©jodyB
October 7, 2009

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Step One - Powerless

came to believe i am powerless over this compulsion/addiction and pain. YES... I am Powerless. I walk away, I go there, i fall, slip.., my heart cries, i pray, i get hope, i walk away, i go "There", i fall, Slip into the behaviour that brings pain/joy-relief and more pain and shame. Am I letting Go///' I do for a while...I start my paper routes singing, lifting my arms in the air, praising God... And i am Sincere... then the Lies come... Well, just bring a flower to him to let him know i care... but i will not try to see him...the lies that i have control...the lies that i can make it... I live my life... I do not want to end my life... I am in a better place than i have been in several months... mostly cuz i am seeking... and i have found you'all in love and support... mostly because i am wanting to be free--- to turn my will and my life over to God...I do not want to Change my life... i do not want my marriage to end.. I do not want to hurt/betray my husband anymore. I don't want to seek relieve from my inner pain this way... but i Do... there is pain in this life... we all have it, and we all have our various ways of coping. I believe that i a Child of God... and that He promises Hope and Life for me... But the Shame is eating away...BPD... Borderline Personality Disorder. "I Love you, i hate you... please don't leave me...BPD.. this is a pervasive illness
1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self; or sense of long-term goals; or career choices, types of friends desired or values preferred.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging: for example; spending, sex, substance abuse, and binge eating.
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
6. Affective instability: marked shifts from baseline mood to depression, irritability, or anxiety, usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days.
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger; frequent displays of temper.
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.and slowly i sink into despondancy

YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.

YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Dream last nite May 5th 08


I LOOKED down at my right heel/ankle saw some skin was pulling away like a blister… but did NOT hurt…

I decided to peel the skin off( like a sunburn that is peeling). I continued peeling… I was amazed… an unbelievable amount of skin was coming off several layers thick… and all intact. I showed this (which I thought was like a costume or something to Steve (or was it Bobbie???) I also showed this to Susie. They both agreed that it was STRANGE… I thought about putting the Skin back on… like a dress or something… Both said NO!!! The old skin had begun to stink… and was repulsive to them.


I think this dream is very Prophetic…

Kinda like the new wine in old wine skins

See wickipedia at end of this msg.

New Wine into Old Wineskins is a saying of Jesus found in the Gospel of Matthew 9:17, Gospel of Mark 2:22 and Gospel of Luke 5:37-39. The wording is similar in all three gospels except for the additional verses recorded by Luke.
Luke's version reads:
And no one puts new wine into old wineskins; otherwise the new wine will burst the skins and will be spilled, and the skins will be destroyed. But new wine must be put into fresh wineskins. And no one after drinking old wine desires new wine, but says, “The old is good.” ’ NRSV
In the three synoptic gospels the saying is given immediately after the recruitment of Levi/Matthew to be a follower, and is given as a secondary justification for why Jesus' disciples do not fast, even though those of John the Baptist do (Mark 2:18-20).
[edit] Interpretations
The metaphors were drawn from contemporary culture. Wineskins would stretch with new wine being put in as it continues to ferment, and then they would harden. If new wine was put into a hardened wineskin, the continued fermentation risked bursting the skin. Similarly, new cloth would be expected to shrink considerably, so using it to patch already-shrunken cloth would be asking for problems.
Taken together with Jesus' similar statement about not using new cloth to patch old clothing (Mark 2:21), this saying is often interpreted to mean that Jesus' new teaching will not fit within the Jewish religion, or within the religious structures of the time. Many, especially Christians, have interpreted it as Jesus saying he was the start of a new religion separate from Judaism, and from that of John the Baptist, for example see Ignatius of Antioch Magnesians X. Some Christians have used it to propose new ways of being Christian or even entirely new forms of Christianity. In the early second century Marcion used it to justify his doctrine of Marcionism.
Others view the phrase in Luke 5:39 in conflict with these interpretations. The passage says, "And no one, after drinking old wine wishes for new; for he says, 'The old is good enough.'" (NASB) Rather than incompatibility of new and old religious structures, it has been suggested parable of new and old wineskins is about the nature of teaching and those who are taught. "No one takes a lesson meant for a new student and tries to teach it to an old (already educated) student. If he does, he will fail to teach the new student, and the lesson meant for the new student will be rejected by the old student."[1]. See also New Covenant and Christian View of the Law.
[edit] Gospel of Thomas



Anyway… I am thinking the dream has to do with me taking off the “Skins” that are worn and no longer needed. Wanting to be fresh… but STRANGLY, I try to wear the OLD skin like a dress/// to put it back ON me…. But it is an NOT nice…

Tell me what you think… isn’t this kind of prophetic or insightful in a way… about my struggles with overcoming my addictions and Pain,and my Hunger for Grace and New Life… kinda like putting off the Old Man

Just found this blog online….
Ephesians 4:20-22Paul has told his readers their lives are to be very different from what they once were. Before they came to faith in Christ they lived just like all the people around them. They were idolaters. They pursued all kinds of immorality. Their hearts were hardened toward God. But this was the old way of life and they must realize the old way of life must be left behind.Now the apostle turns our thinking toward what we need to do in order to live the kind of lives God has for us. He doesn’t leave us floundering around in the dark. He doesn’t just tell us we have to be different from the world around us. He actually tells us what we have to do and how we have to do it.Paul begins in verses 20 and 21 by reminding us how we came to know Christ. He is not talking about our conversion here. He is talking about how we came to be intimate with Jesus following our conversion. He is contrasting the lifestyle of the unconverted person with that of the Christian. In verses 18 and 19 he said the unconverted people have hearts that are hardened toward God and because of the hardness of their hearts they immerse themselves in all kinds of sensuality and impurity, continually desiring more. Christians are changed. We have new hearts that are attuned to God. We have the Holy Spirit of God living in us and working on our hearts and minds. We have been turned toward God. And having been turned toward God, we begin to come to know Christ and understand him and share fellowship with him. When we learned Christ we were no longer like the people of the world. He goes on to say that if we really heard Jesus and if we were really taught the truth that is in Jesus then it is plain to see that we cannot return to our old lives but must continue to grow in our Christian lives.What are we supposed to do? Paul says we are to put off our old man. He uses the same words one would use to describe changing clothes. You have to take off one outfit and put on a new outfit. The outfit we have to take off is our old man, our old way of life. What is the old man? It is what we were at birth. It is the person we used to be; the person who was born in sin because of the fall of Adam. Paul describes the old man in verses 17-19. He is futile in his thinking and darkened in his understanding because of sin. He is separated from the life of God and his heart is hardened. As a result of these things he pursues all kinds of sin and hungers for more. This old man is being corrupted; he is dying but he doesn’t realize it because his desires are deceiving him.This old man should influence us no longer. He was put to death when you became a Christian and were recreated as a child of God. Notice that Paul says, “You were taught to put off your old man.” When you became a follower of Jesus you were taught to put off the fallen, sinful man. The verb tense Paul uses means, “You were taught to put off your old man once and for all.” If this is something we were supposed to do once and for all, then why does Paul tell his readers in verse 25 that they must put off the sins of their old lives? It has to do with the fact that as long as we are still living in our fallen and corruptible bodies we are susceptible to the weight of sin. Remember Paul’s own testimony in Romans 7:18-25. Even Paul struggled with sin! So what he means is this: “You were taught to put off the old man when you came to faith in Christ, and so you did. But as time has passed you may have slipped back into some of your old behaviors. You still need to put off the old man once and for all!”
posted by Shiloh Guy @ Saturday, January 27, 2007 0 comments

Monday, May 05, 2008

Once again its you

Once again its you
In the deep recesses of my soul,


my heart cries out to you

for just one more touch of you.

In my dreams i pull you close holding you in
realizing that when (and if) i awake i must let go..


.Release you to the heavens

you

are no more

not here.. can’t hear you
And I remain


alone in this pain no one can touch no one can see





chest hurts heart heavy

eyes downcast memories change
Kaleidoscope images no freedom


feelings are a persona now

ghostly apparitions phantoms of nevermore or maybe never quite was



Damn it! Damn it!!!

Where are you now??

Why the nothingness when i reach out

to you - you are not here

so many times i do not want to go on with out you

you have moved on

i am still here with only memories

and still the PAIN

i cannot

i will not

let you go!



(c) jodyB -may 21, 2007

and i will ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!!


Bearman...
no one has ever loved me the way you did... no one has ever accepted me,,, even when i fail them... no one has ever cared...You always would say... "Forever and Always!" in the last few months you started to say..."ForEver and BEYOND!"
I MISS YOU SOOOO MUCH it hurts, rips my heart out sometimes.
Still i am glad... glad that you are gone from the pain... the pain of CANCER that ravaged your soul and dignity...
BEARS...3 years today... you left this earth... Now, i believe you are FREE, at last... with the Creator... and perhaps God has sent you as my Angel to watch over me!!!
But Bears... the horrible part of me... the pain of SHAME and Addiction, still plagues me...
I Miss you BEARS...
\
Forever And Always...
jodyB

i will always Love you



i miss you... i cannot Find you.... Where are you..


But you said that you would be with me... f0rever and BEYOND!! now you are in BEYOND,...


and i am here alone


the pain and lonliness does nto go away... yet the memories are sweet, and someitmes i laugh out loud.... we had our own special language... you and i



3 YEARS... 3 YEARS you have been gone... So glad that you are no longer suffering from the pain of cancer... But wish i could have been with you to help you through!


Don't know why or how you could have put up with me.... I HURT YOU... yet still you were there for me. you wanted to leave to let go, but you said you couldn't ---becuase friends don't do that to Friends. We were more than friends we were/ARE soulmates. No one has ever loved me like you did... no one has ever accepted me like you....


Bearman... i will ALWAYS love you...

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Daddy Sings to me his Song

Thank you Robbie-Bob for reminiscining with me... Here is Daddy's song "Blamed it on the Moon" that he probably wrote for Jane...


blamed it on the moon
For falling in love
I blamed it on the moon and you
I blamed it on the stars
Which shine up above
I blamed it on a June night too

My loves they come and go
Always the same
This love I surely know
Will always remain
And so I
Blamed it on the moon
For falling in love
I blamed it on the moon and you