LONGINGS

Thots & What Knots

.... {SIGH}.... BEARMAN... i miss you soooo muchly... i wish you were here.. i miss chatting with you on line like we used to. I miss hearing your voice. So often, I will remember things that you said.. I will smile inside. But I also cry... I miss you Sooo Much. I have never loved anyone like I loved you. You were friend, confidant... father figure... my heart.

i have my Bobbie Bear... he is so good to me.. I do not know why he puts up with me sometimes. He is my Mate.. and I am very grateful that he is in my Life. But.. the amount of pain that he suffers day and nite... and rarely sleeps... I wish he would be free all this pain...

I need to find work... a job that will pay the bills, and make me feel wanted and needed.. is there such a place.

for now.. this is alll....

Friend & Bearman

My Dearest Bearman!

I miss you so very much...l my heart hurts and tears unshed well up in a broken soul...

Bobbie took me to see the PHANTOM OF THE OPERA in Vancouver last week. It was Awesome... One of the songs... the one that Christine sang at the grave of her father, rings true for me. Here is my song fromher song.

"You were once my one companion, you were all that mattered. You were once my Friend and Bearman, Until my world was shattered! Wishing I could see you here with me... Wishing I could have you near.... Sometimes it seems- if I just dreamed, somehow you would be here! Wishing i could hear Your voice again... Knowing that I neever would,,,, Dreaming of You, has taught me to do all that you Dreamed I could."

Oh my Bearman... my dear dear Bearman... Will the pain ever go away. People at work who see me at my job... giving the best care I can... they see me as Bubbly. Bearman... My inner pain is too much.... I miss you... I do not miss the pain of the cancer that tortured you body and soul.

I will Always Love you... Forever and Always...

jody

My Bobbie

What a wonderful Hubby God has blessed me with!!! He is so very good to me... He gets up at 4:39 AM to make me befus when I have to go to work early in the morning. He even makes Fuzzy Bear some befus too.

Bobbie, I love you so Very Much... Thank you for your love. Thank you for caring for me. You are my best Friend --- I just love being with you. I only wish that I could help you feel better.

My Babah, My Love/

BEARMAN & ALWAYS

My dearest Bearman.... I think of you often. especially as I am driving the hour to work. I miss you so very much. We had such fun together. I remember with joy and a touch of sadness all the times we road bicycles together. Yesterday I was remembering the first time I road to the beach with you. After a day in the sun riding, having surmounted the Sepulveda incline, I remember hooting and hollering like a wild indian as I road down the Sepulveda to the Valley below. What a complete HIGH!!! It was Awesome.

Some of the memories I have of you will be kept safely in my innermost heart. You are so special to me. Is it true that you are my guardian Angel, and that you now watch over me??? Sure wish I could see your face, your smile, and feel your touch.

Thank you for all the years, for the laughter, and for the tears.

You will AlwaYs be my Bearman


Forever & Beyond

bearlady

For the Bearman

YESTERDAYS & 1000 TOMORROWS

Forever & Beyond. Bearman... on May 5th this
year, you had been gone from earth for an entire year. It is hard to live
with out you... without talking with you and touching Base with you.... AHHHH I
miss you so!!!

You are my Sunshine, my onliest Sunshine,
You make me happy when skies are grey
You;ll Never know Bears, how much I love
You
Please don't take my Bearman away...

But you went away sometime during the nite of May 5,
2005. You were a fighter, and you fought long and hard against the battle
of cancer. Yet, you were still able to reach out to those you loved.
How many times did you help Bobbie and me when we were in distress. How
many times did you reach out to my very disfunctional family.

Bearman.... I Love You, I willl Always love you.. There
are parts of me that no one else can ever have... because those parts belong to
you alone. But, this past year, although it has been a painful and
extremely frustrating one, this past 4 months have been a new beginning for
Bobbie and me. He is my Best Friend. Just like he has to be... Just
like you said. He is the person I want to be with the most.

Still I miss you... I will Always Love you.... THe
memories come flooding back and I wish for one more time to be with you, to hold
you... to fuzzy you up... to make you know the depth of gratitude I have for
you.

I Love you!

Forever and Beyond.

FRUSTRATION

today i went to see gyno to have another shot of testosterone. Told him of the scariness inside and all the pent up frustrations and acting out on web. Did not know if wanted the shot or not... thinking that it may produce some of this angst. I want to be attractive to my husband... I do not want to loose "me" as I know me. I have always had a relatively high sexual energy... and it has been a source of addictive behaviour for me. Don't want the addictive behaviour... but still want the energy... the desire to be desired, and the desire to please.

I am frustrated. I want to beat out my frustrations some way. I have done so in the past by running, biking, and using the punch bag. What will i do today.

Will be going to work tomorrow evening. That should help.

God... are you hearing me??? PLEASE!!!!

LONELINESS AND SEX

It is a constant struggle... This pull toward physical,mental fulfillment. Stress is part of life... Always. When the frustration becomes too intense, the soul yearns for freedom and relief. I cry for health... Spiritual awakening.... I cry to ask the Lord to keep me from myself and my own longings... I feel as if I am drowning... and i reach out to the universe.. or, to the very thing that snares me.... my own addiction/compulsion.

Sex is good. I like it... but i yearn for more than there is right now. Is it the Relationship that I find lacking? My Love is not enuf to cover my need...I want to be touched, cuddled, stroked, and seduced. We mis-connect. And I go searching for the nebulous fix. I long to give, but am in sore need of receiving. Mostly, I find self fulfillment, boring and guilt producing... Lately it seems i am insatiable, and crave the release of pent up sexual,emotional frustration. I fantasize..... And again I feel the release of flow... I want more! I want more... More than just sexual release... Yet i want that.

I feel like the woman in "looking for Mr. Goodbar" living one life in public, and quite another in private.

Searches have led me to a thirst and a hunger and desire. And I'm afraid to explore.... I feel pulled down into the cauldron --- the vixen is at it again!

Here comes the passions... Will they be the death of the me???


_____________________________________________

labyrinth

This labyrinth

This Frightful Maze

is Home

Home to the Caged

The Haunted Spectre

the hooked nose Ancient One

Who wears anorexic skin

like bags of courage.

To the somnambulistic Child

running in and out of

Fantasy

and Dream-like reality

Home

to the Seductive Wench

cajoling all to dance

the sordid swirl with the

Phantom of Virility

--to the Angry serpent

spitting venomous lies

and shooting daggers of obscenities.

This Labryinth

this frightful Maze is Home

Home to the many

voices and facets

of my personality

(c) jody

QZSdcxfgbnk;'

WORRY & FINANCES

II am worried. I am not sleeping well... have lots of anxiety...my heart is racing and inside, I am scared.

Lord, you said that I should not worry about my life... What to eat or drink... about clothes to wear.

Child, don't worry about your life.. what to eat, or drink, or clothes to put on. Isn't your life MORE than food, and your body than clothing. Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow, or gather into barns.... Yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Daughter How does your anxiety about life make it get better, or increase your lifetime??? And why do you worry about clothing... Look at the grasses and flowers of the fields.... Even great Solomon wasn't dressed like these.... If God so adorns the flowers in the field, He Will Take Care of you too. Daughter, your faith in me is wavering. I know Your needs before even you do.. Child... Seek me, Talk to me, Cry to me... Seek my Way in your life... and you will have all these needs met. Don't be anxious about tomorrow. Tomorrow has enough problems of its own... TRUST in ME."

Oh Lord... I am scared... The bills are piling up. We do not have money to pay the mortgage. we need to buy medicine, and food. There is not money available on any Credit Card....and the amount owed is much more than the amt we can pay. I am concerned about work. Scared I will be fired. They have cut my hours, and I am feeling that I am not at my best. GOD I don't know how to Trust you.... Yes, you have taken care of us before --- we have borrowed on credit cards... and spent money in ways we cannot afford. Friends and the church have given us money and food.

And God, I am afraid of him. I do not know how to really talk to him about money. He seems to take it as an afront when I express my worries and pain. He says that he is doing the very best he can. And that he does not even see any of his pay check, as it goes to pay the mortgage,loans, and bills. My paycheck does not cover the credit cards.... Does not cover gasoline bills... Does not cover food needs. Creditors are calling. ANGRY. What if he gets mad at me and gets hostile and abusive in his own anguish. He is in PAIN... and in truth is doing the best that he can. We are middle class people--- we have a nice home, family (and pets). We have cars to drive, and there is food in the fridge. Yes we need more, Gotta pay the piper. Gotta pay morgage, loans, utilities... buy medicine and some food.

I am tied up in knots not over this.

All the verses I know that tell me not to worry... Not to be anxious... But to pray... Do not soothe me. I Know you are in charge... That You know that we need help.. That you say to trust.... I AM SCARED!!!