Often Times, over the decades that have made up my life, i have vested much time in this melancholic dream state i find myself. the ineffable attraction toward "being self=possessed" and ending it all, as well as the dissatisfaction with the lack of acclaim or achievement continue to prevail. The quandary and the all out dichotomy is that i have a very Strong Faith, and Relationship with GOD
i am married, 10 1/2 yrs with 5 grandchildren...2 step kids- I love my Grandchildren.. My family, my friends and church; but there is a certain almost seductive calling toward melancholia, toward suicide, the "TRAGICALLY HIP" life of Sylvia Plath, Virgina Woof,Emily Dickinson, and the like. and so it goes, and so it was and so i be
jodyB
Monday, May 31, 2010
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
FUZZY BEAR
ABOUT ME
July, 2005. Early Evening. I was cold, hungry and dirty. Seems I had been running around for a week or 2. Nobody looked for me. Nobody wanted me. I was Alone. I had found a nice bed, of sorts, under some leaves. Wasn’t much, but I was not one to complain. What was that noise? I heard some big people coming. I crunched down further under the leaves. What? The Big People are looking for me. Who Are they? WOW, a beautiful young woman picked me up and cuddled me. Then she put me in a box and handed the box to her dad. Would I be safe? Would I find a home again? Would someone love me? The Big People brought me to their house Another Big Person looked right through the filth and saw my eyes…. So hungry for love. She picked me up and bathed me in nice sudsy warm water. She kept cooing over me. She wrapped me in a Big Bathrobe, then held me for a long time till she had to leave. Would this be my home? Would I be Loved again? I was nine years old.
They say that I have a tattoo on my underside, the kind that breeders put on their animals. They say I was a kind of “puppy-mill” and then abandoned when I was no longer able to make puppies. I had bad teeth, horrible breath, and my Lady found a mammary tumor. My ears were filled with mites. In other words, I was NO princess! But my Lady loved me. And I Loved her. I would go every where with her. She had other 4 footeds, which put up with me, at first, and then straight on accepted me. I was home! I was Loved.
In the beginning my Lady was sad a lot. She told me she had lost a very special friend she called her Bearman. She wanted to name me in honour of him. She said “I will call you Fuzzy Bear because you are so fuzzy and you make me happy!”
July, 2005. Early Evening. I was cold, hungry and dirty. Seems I had been running around for a week or 2. Nobody looked for me. Nobody wanted me. I was Alone. I had found a nice bed, of sorts, under some leaves. Wasn’t much, but I was not one to complain. What was that noise? I heard some big people coming. I crunched down further under the leaves. What? The Big People are looking for me. Who Are they? WOW, a beautiful young woman picked me up and cuddled me. Then she put me in a box and handed the box to her dad. Would I be safe? Would I find a home again? Would someone love me? The Big People brought me to their house Another Big Person looked right through the filth and saw my eyes…. So hungry for love. She picked me up and bathed me in nice sudsy warm water. She kept cooing over me. She wrapped me in a Big Bathrobe, then held me for a long time till she had to leave. Would this be my home? Would I be Loved again? I was nine years old.
They say that I have a tattoo on my underside, the kind that breeders put on their animals. They say I was a kind of “puppy-mill” and then abandoned when I was no longer able to make puppies. I had bad teeth, horrible breath, and my Lady found a mammary tumor. My ears were filled with mites. In other words, I was NO princess! But my Lady loved me. And I Loved her. I would go every where with her. She had other 4 footeds, which put up with me, at first, and then straight on accepted me. I was home! I was Loved.
In the beginning my Lady was sad a lot. She told me she had lost a very special friend she called her Bearman. She wanted to name me in honour of him. She said “I will call you Fuzzy Bear because you are so fuzzy and you make me happy!”
Saturday, October 17, 2009
With No Apologies
With no Apologies
My Sleeve Is Visible to Most
with Tears ‘n’ Fears ‘n’ All Out Joy
Spilling Down my Cloak on to the ground
reBounding into the Eyes ofPeople i meet.
So if i Cry Out the Pain is Deep!
But i have A HOPE that comes from within
, and Others YOU send ~ A Hope of LIFE Beyond THE END=
(John 10:10)
The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life. John 10:10
©jodyB
October 7, 2009
My Sleeve Is Visible to Most
with Tears ‘n’ Fears ‘n’ All Out Joy
Spilling Down my Cloak on to the ground
reBounding into the Eyes ofPeople i meet.
So if i Cry Out the Pain is Deep!
But i have A HOPE that comes from within
, and Others YOU send ~ A Hope of LIFE Beyond THE END=
(John 10:10)
The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life. John 10:10
©jodyB
October 7, 2009
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Step One - Powerless
came to believe i am powerless over this compulsion/addiction and pain. YES... I am Powerless. I walk away, I go there, i fall, slip.., my heart cries, i pray, i get hope, i walk away, i go "There", i fall, Slip into the behaviour that brings pain/joy-relief and more pain and shame. Am I letting Go///' I do for a while...I start my paper routes singing, lifting my arms in the air, praising God... And i am Sincere... then the Lies come... Well, just bring a flower to him to let him know i care... but i will not try to see him...the lies that i have control...the lies that i can make it... I live my life... I do not want to end my life... I am in a better place than i have been in several months... mostly cuz i am seeking... and i have found you'all in love and support... mostly because i am wanting to be free--- to turn my will and my life over to God...I do not want to Change my life... i do not want my marriage to end.. I do not want to hurt/betray my husband anymore. I don't want to seek relieve from my inner pain this way... but i Do... there is pain in this life... we all have it, and we all have our various ways of coping. I believe that i a Child of God... and that He promises Hope and Life for me... But the Shame is eating away...BPD... Borderline Personality Disorder. "I Love you, i hate you... please don't leave me...BPD.. this is a pervasive illness
1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self; or sense of long-term goals; or career choices, types of friends desired or values preferred.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging: for example; spending, sex, substance abuse, and binge eating.
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
6. Affective instability: marked shifts from baseline mood to depression, irritability, or anxiety, usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days.
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger; frequent displays of temper.
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.and slowly i sink into despondancy
1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self; or sense of long-term goals; or career choices, types of friends desired or values preferred.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging: for example; spending, sex, substance abuse, and binge eating.
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
6. Affective instability: marked shifts from baseline mood to depression, irritability, or anxiety, usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days.
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger; frequent displays of temper.
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.and slowly i sink into despondancy
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Dream last nite May 5th 08
I LOOKED down at my right heel/ankle saw some skin was pulling away like a blister… but did NOT hurt…
I decided to peel the skin off( like a sunburn that is peeling). I continued peeling… I was amazed… an unbelievable amount of skin was coming off several layers thick… and all intact. I showed this (which I thought was like a costume or something to Steve (or was it Bobbie???) I also showed this to Susie. They both agreed that it was STRANGE… I thought about putting the Skin back on… like a dress or something… Both said NO!!! The old skin had begun to stink… and was repulsive to them.
I think this dream is very Prophetic…
Kinda like the new wine in old wine skins
See wickipedia at end of this msg.
New Wine into Old Wineskins is a saying of Jesus found in the Gospel of Matthew 9:17, Gospel of Mark 2:22 and Gospel of Luke 5:37-39. The wording is similar in all three gospels except for the additional verses recorded by Luke.
Luke's version reads:
And no one puts new wine into old wineskins; otherwise the new wine will burst the skins and will be spilled, and the skins will be destroyed. But new wine must be put into fresh wineskins. And no one after drinking old wine desires new wine, but says, “The old is good.” ’ NRSV
In the three synoptic gospels the saying is given immediately after the recruitment of Levi/Matthew to be a follower, and is given as a secondary justification for why Jesus' disciples do not fast, even though those of John the Baptist do (Mark 2:18-20).
[edit] Interpretations
The metaphors were drawn from contemporary culture. Wineskins would stretch with new wine being put in as it continues to ferment, and then they would harden. If new wine was put into a hardened wineskin, the continued fermentation risked bursting the skin. Similarly, new cloth would be expected to shrink considerably, so using it to patch already-shrunken cloth would be asking for problems.
Taken together with Jesus' similar statement about not using new cloth to patch old clothing (Mark 2:21), this saying is often interpreted to mean that Jesus' new teaching will not fit within the Jewish religion, or within the religious structures of the time. Many, especially Christians, have interpreted it as Jesus saying he was the start of a new religion separate from Judaism, and from that of John the Baptist, for example see Ignatius of Antioch Magnesians X. Some Christians have used it to propose new ways of being Christian or even entirely new forms of Christianity. In the early second century Marcion used it to justify his doctrine of Marcionism.
Others view the phrase in Luke 5:39 in conflict with these interpretations. The passage says, "And no one, after drinking old wine wishes for new; for he says, 'The old is good enough.'" (NASB) Rather than incompatibility of new and old religious structures, it has been suggested parable of new and old wineskins is about the nature of teaching and those who are taught. "No one takes a lesson meant for a new student and tries to teach it to an old (already educated) student. If he does, he will fail to teach the new student, and the lesson meant for the new student will be rejected by the old student."[1]. See also New Covenant and Christian View of the Law.
[edit] Gospel of Thomas
Anyway… I am thinking the dream has to do with me taking off the “Skins” that are worn and no longer needed. Wanting to be fresh… but STRANGLY, I try to wear the OLD skin like a dress/// to put it back ON me…. But it is an NOT nice…
Tell me what you think… isn’t this kind of prophetic or insightful in a way… about my struggles with overcoming my addictions and Pain,and my Hunger for Grace and New Life… kinda like putting off the Old Man
Just found this blog online….
Ephesians 4:20-22Paul has told his readers their lives are to be very different from what they once were. Before they came to faith in Christ they lived just like all the people around them. They were idolaters. They pursued all kinds of immorality. Their hearts were hardened toward God. But this was the old way of life and they must realize the old way of life must be left behind.Now the apostle turns our thinking toward what we need to do in order to live the kind of lives God has for us. He doesn’t leave us floundering around in the dark. He doesn’t just tell us we have to be different from the world around us. He actually tells us what we have to do and how we have to do it.Paul begins in verses 20 and 21 by reminding us how we came to know Christ. He is not talking about our conversion here. He is talking about how we came to be intimate with Jesus following our conversion. He is contrasting the lifestyle of the unconverted person with that of the Christian. In verses 18 and 19 he said the unconverted people have hearts that are hardened toward God and because of the hardness of their hearts they immerse themselves in all kinds of sensuality and impurity, continually desiring more. Christians are changed. We have new hearts that are attuned to God. We have the Holy Spirit of God living in us and working on our hearts and minds. We have been turned toward God. And having been turned toward God, we begin to come to know Christ and understand him and share fellowship with him. When we learned Christ we were no longer like the people of the world. He goes on to say that if we really heard Jesus and if we were really taught the truth that is in Jesus then it is plain to see that we cannot return to our old lives but must continue to grow in our Christian lives.What are we supposed to do? Paul says we are to put off our old man. He uses the same words one would use to describe changing clothes. You have to take off one outfit and put on a new outfit. The outfit we have to take off is our old man, our old way of life. What is the old man? It is what we were at birth. It is the person we used to be; the person who was born in sin because of the fall of Adam. Paul describes the old man in verses 17-19. He is futile in his thinking and darkened in his understanding because of sin. He is separated from the life of God and his heart is hardened. As a result of these things he pursues all kinds of sin and hungers for more. This old man is being corrupted; he is dying but he doesn’t realize it because his desires are deceiving him.This old man should influence us no longer. He was put to death when you became a Christian and were recreated as a child of God. Notice that Paul says, “You were taught to put off your old man.” When you became a follower of Jesus you were taught to put off the fallen, sinful man. The verb tense Paul uses means, “You were taught to put off your old man once and for all.” If this is something we were supposed to do once and for all, then why does Paul tell his readers in verse 25 that they must put off the sins of their old lives? It has to do with the fact that as long as we are still living in our fallen and corruptible bodies we are susceptible to the weight of sin. Remember Paul’s own testimony in Romans 7:18-25. Even Paul struggled with sin! So what he means is this: “You were taught to put off the old man when you came to faith in Christ, and so you did. But as time has passed you may have slipped back into some of your old behaviors. You still need to put off the old man once and for all!”
posted by Shiloh Guy @ Saturday, January 27, 2007 0 comments
I LOOKED down at my right heel/ankle saw some skin was pulling away like a blister… but did NOT hurt…
I decided to peel the skin off( like a sunburn that is peeling). I continued peeling… I was amazed… an unbelievable amount of skin was coming off several layers thick… and all intact. I showed this (which I thought was like a costume or something to Steve (or was it Bobbie???) I also showed this to Susie. They both agreed that it was STRANGE… I thought about putting the Skin back on… like a dress or something… Both said NO!!! The old skin had begun to stink… and was repulsive to them.
I think this dream is very Prophetic…
Kinda like the new wine in old wine skins
See wickipedia at end of this msg.
New Wine into Old Wineskins is a saying of Jesus found in the Gospel of Matthew 9:17, Gospel of Mark 2:22 and Gospel of Luke 5:37-39. The wording is similar in all three gospels except for the additional verses recorded by Luke.
Luke's version reads:
And no one puts new wine into old wineskins; otherwise the new wine will burst the skins and will be spilled, and the skins will be destroyed. But new wine must be put into fresh wineskins. And no one after drinking old wine desires new wine, but says, “The old is good.” ’ NRSV
In the three synoptic gospels the saying is given immediately after the recruitment of Levi/Matthew to be a follower, and is given as a secondary justification for why Jesus' disciples do not fast, even though those of John the Baptist do (Mark 2:18-20).
[edit] Interpretations
The metaphors were drawn from contemporary culture. Wineskins would stretch with new wine being put in as it continues to ferment, and then they would harden. If new wine was put into a hardened wineskin, the continued fermentation risked bursting the skin. Similarly, new cloth would be expected to shrink considerably, so using it to patch already-shrunken cloth would be asking for problems.
Taken together with Jesus' similar statement about not using new cloth to patch old clothing (Mark 2:21), this saying is often interpreted to mean that Jesus' new teaching will not fit within the Jewish religion, or within the religious structures of the time. Many, especially Christians, have interpreted it as Jesus saying he was the start of a new religion separate from Judaism, and from that of John the Baptist, for example see Ignatius of Antioch Magnesians X. Some Christians have used it to propose new ways of being Christian or even entirely new forms of Christianity. In the early second century Marcion used it to justify his doctrine of Marcionism.
Others view the phrase in Luke 5:39 in conflict with these interpretations. The passage says, "And no one, after drinking old wine wishes for new; for he says, 'The old is good enough.'" (NASB) Rather than incompatibility of new and old religious structures, it has been suggested parable of new and old wineskins is about the nature of teaching and those who are taught. "No one takes a lesson meant for a new student and tries to teach it to an old (already educated) student. If he does, he will fail to teach the new student, and the lesson meant for the new student will be rejected by the old student."[1]. See also New Covenant and Christian View of the Law.
[edit] Gospel of Thomas
Anyway… I am thinking the dream has to do with me taking off the “Skins” that are worn and no longer needed. Wanting to be fresh… but STRANGLY, I try to wear the OLD skin like a dress/// to put it back ON me…. But it is an NOT nice…
Tell me what you think… isn’t this kind of prophetic or insightful in a way… about my struggles with overcoming my addictions and Pain,and my Hunger for Grace and New Life… kinda like putting off the Old Man
Just found this blog online….
Ephesians 4:20-22Paul has told his readers their lives are to be very different from what they once were. Before they came to faith in Christ they lived just like all the people around them. They were idolaters. They pursued all kinds of immorality. Their hearts were hardened toward God. But this was the old way of life and they must realize the old way of life must be left behind.Now the apostle turns our thinking toward what we need to do in order to live the kind of lives God has for us. He doesn’t leave us floundering around in the dark. He doesn’t just tell us we have to be different from the world around us. He actually tells us what we have to do and how we have to do it.Paul begins in verses 20 and 21 by reminding us how we came to know Christ. He is not talking about our conversion here. He is talking about how we came to be intimate with Jesus following our conversion. He is contrasting the lifestyle of the unconverted person with that of the Christian. In verses 18 and 19 he said the unconverted people have hearts that are hardened toward God and because of the hardness of their hearts they immerse themselves in all kinds of sensuality and impurity, continually desiring more. Christians are changed. We have new hearts that are attuned to God. We have the Holy Spirit of God living in us and working on our hearts and minds. We have been turned toward God. And having been turned toward God, we begin to come to know Christ and understand him and share fellowship with him. When we learned Christ we were no longer like the people of the world. He goes on to say that if we really heard Jesus and if we were really taught the truth that is in Jesus then it is plain to see that we cannot return to our old lives but must continue to grow in our Christian lives.What are we supposed to do? Paul says we are to put off our old man. He uses the same words one would use to describe changing clothes. You have to take off one outfit and put on a new outfit. The outfit we have to take off is our old man, our old way of life. What is the old man? It is what we were at birth. It is the person we used to be; the person who was born in sin because of the fall of Adam. Paul describes the old man in verses 17-19. He is futile in his thinking and darkened in his understanding because of sin. He is separated from the life of God and his heart is hardened. As a result of these things he pursues all kinds of sin and hungers for more. This old man is being corrupted; he is dying but he doesn’t realize it because his desires are deceiving him.This old man should influence us no longer. He was put to death when you became a Christian and were recreated as a child of God. Notice that Paul says, “You were taught to put off your old man.” When you became a follower of Jesus you were taught to put off the fallen, sinful man. The verb tense Paul uses means, “You were taught to put off your old man once and for all.” If this is something we were supposed to do once and for all, then why does Paul tell his readers in verse 25 that they must put off the sins of their old lives? It has to do with the fact that as long as we are still living in our fallen and corruptible bodies we are susceptible to the weight of sin. Remember Paul’s own testimony in Romans 7:18-25. Even Paul struggled with sin! So what he means is this: “You were taught to put off the old man when you came to faith in Christ, and so you did. But as time has passed you may have slipped back into some of your old behaviors. You still need to put off the old man once and for all!”
posted by Shiloh Guy @ Saturday, January 27, 2007 0 comments
Monday, May 05, 2008
Once again its you
Once again its you
In the deep recesses of my soul,
my heart cries out to you
for just one more touch of you.
In my dreams i pull you close holding you in
realizing that when (and if) i awake i must let go..
.Release you to the heavens
you
are no more
not here.. can’t hear you
And I remain
alone in this pain no one can touch no one can see
chest hurts heart heavy
eyes downcast memories change
Kaleidoscope images no freedom
feelings are a persona now
ghostly apparitions phantoms of nevermore or maybe never quite was
Damn it! Damn it!!!
Where are you now??
Why the nothingness when i reach out
to you - you are not here
so many times i do not want to go on with out you
you have moved on
i am still here with only memories
and still the PAIN
i cannot
i will not
let you go!
(c) jodyB -may 21, 2007
In the deep recesses of my soul,
my heart cries out to you
for just one more touch of you.
In my dreams i pull you close holding you in
realizing that when (and if) i awake i must let go..
.Release you to the heavens
you
are no more
not here.. can’t hear you
And I remain
alone in this pain no one can touch no one can see
chest hurts heart heavy
eyes downcast memories change
Kaleidoscope images no freedom
feelings are a persona now
ghostly apparitions phantoms of nevermore or maybe never quite was
Damn it! Damn it!!!
Where are you now??
Why the nothingness when i reach out
to you - you are not here
so many times i do not want to go on with out you
you have moved on
i am still here with only memories
and still the PAIN
i cannot
i will not
let you go!
(c) jodyB -may 21, 2007
and i will ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!!
Bearman...
no one has ever loved me the way you did... no one has ever accepted me,,, even when i fail them... no one has ever cared...You always would say... "Forever and Always!" in the last few months you started to say..."ForEver and BEYOND!"
I MISS YOU SOOOO MUCH it hurts, rips my heart out sometimes.
Still i am glad... glad that you are gone from the pain... the pain of CANCER that ravaged your soul and dignity...
BEARS...3 years today... you left this earth... Now, i believe you are FREE, at last... with the Creator... and perhaps God has sent you as my Angel to watch over me!!!
But Bears... the horrible part of me... the pain of SHAME and Addiction, still plagues me...
I Miss you BEARS...
\
Forever And Always...
jodyB
i will always Love you
i miss you... i cannot Find you.... Where are you..
But you said that you would be with me... f0rever and BEYOND!! now you are in BEYOND,...
and i am here alone
the pain and lonliness does nto go away... yet the memories are sweet, and someitmes i laugh out loud.... we had our own special language... you and i
3 YEARS... 3 YEARS you have been gone... So glad that you are no longer suffering from the pain of cancer... But wish i could have been with you to help you through!
Don't know why or how you could have put up with me.... I HURT YOU... yet still you were there for me. you wanted to leave to let go, but you said you couldn't ---becuase friends don't do that to Friends. We were more than friends we were/ARE soulmates. No one has ever loved me like you did... no one has ever accepted me like you....
Bearman... i will ALWAYS love you...
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Daddy Sings to me his Song
Thank you Robbie-Bob for reminiscining with me... Here is Daddy's song "Blamed it on the Moon" that he probably wrote for Jane...
blamed it on the moon
For falling in love
I blamed it on the moon and you
I blamed it on the stars
Which shine up above
I blamed it on a June night too
My loves they come and go
Always the same
This love I surely know
Will always remain
And so I
Blamed it on the moon
For falling in love
I blamed it on the moon and you
blamed it on the moon
For falling in love
I blamed it on the moon and you
I blamed it on the stars
Which shine up above
I blamed it on a June night too
My loves they come and go
Always the same
This love I surely know
Will always remain
And so I
Blamed it on the moon
For falling in love
I blamed it on the moon and you
Sunday, June 24, 2007
AGGHHHH!!! WAVES OF DEBT
Sigh.... I am not sure how we will make it... Financially it has never been so desperate for us. Sure we have a lot of Assets... but we are in Debt up the "#DD(*GH@!?" Yaah, our Father owns the Whole world, but He is not paying the many creditors,that are hounding us. AGGGHHHHH!!!! I do Believe that He can and Will provide.... SOMEDAY!!! Just not sure about now...
Hey God, you listening! I am crying out to You!!! Life for us, seems to continue to get more and more difficult. My depression and Anxiety are making it hard to cope, and the challenges in our lives right now are intensiving the Depression and Anxiety,. I do not know what the answerr it.....
"SHHHHH! BE STILL, AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD.I WILL BE EXALTED AMONG THE HEATHEN.I WILL BE EXALTED IN THE EARTH!"Ps 46:10
AND AGAIN:
"...BUT SEEK YE FIRST THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, AND IT'S RIGHTEOUSNESS, AND ALL THESE THINGS WILL BE ADDED UNTO YOU. THEREFORE, TAKE NO THOUGHT OF TOMORROW, FOR TOMORROW SHALL TAKE THOUGHT OF ITSELF..., SUFFICIENT UNTO THE DAY ARE THE TROUBLES THERE OF.." MATTHEW 6:33-34
SO, ok... But HOW, Just HOW do i hold on to it... when the mortgage is due... Rx's need to be picked up... and Utilities and bills need to be paid...!!!
PFFFFHHHHMMMPHH! Still Scared!
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Daddy Sings to me
in my mind... in my memories... I love to hear you sig to me,Daddy.... I miss you... Have not thot about you in a long while. But I heard this song in my mind just the other day..."I wanna go back to that little grass shack in Keilikau
ABSOLUTELY,THERE'S A PLACE IN HAWAIITHAT IS VERY DEAR TO MEI AM HOMESICK AS CAN BE WON'T YOU LISTEN TO MY PLEA?I WANT TO GO BACK TO MY LITTLE GRASS SHACK IN KEALAKEKUA HAWAIII WANT TO BE WITH ALL THE KANES AND WAHINES THAT I KNEW LONG AGOI CAN HEAR OLD GUITARS A-PLAYING ON THE BEACH AT HO'ONAUNAUI CAN HEAR THE HAWAIIANS SAYING"KOMO MAI NO KAUA IKA HALE WELAKAHAO"IT WON'T BE LONG 'TIL MY SHIP WILL BE SAILING BACK TO KONAA GRAND OLD PLACE THAT'S ALWAYS FAIR TO SEE.I'M JUST A LITTLE HAWAIIAN AND A HOMESICK ISLAND BOY,I WANT TO GO BACK TO MY FISH AND POI,I WANT TO GO BACK TO MY LITTLE GRASS SHACK IN KEALAKEKUA, HAWAIIWHERE THE HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUAA GOES SWIMMING BYWHERE THE HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUAA GOES SWIMMING BY
Thank you Daddy.. for all the Songs... for all the Special Memories
I Love you....
your Little Girl
0
ABSOLUTELY,THERE'S A PLACE IN HAWAIITHAT IS VERY DEAR TO MEI AM HOMESICK AS CAN BE WON'T YOU LISTEN TO MY PLEA?I WANT TO GO BACK TO MY LITTLE GRASS SHACK IN KEALAKEKUA HAWAIII WANT TO BE WITH ALL THE KANES AND WAHINES THAT I KNEW LONG AGOI CAN HEAR OLD GUITARS A-PLAYING ON THE BEACH AT HO'ONAUNAUI CAN HEAR THE HAWAIIANS SAYING"KOMO MAI NO KAUA IKA HALE WELAKAHAO"IT WON'T BE LONG 'TIL MY SHIP WILL BE SAILING BACK TO KONAA GRAND OLD PLACE THAT'S ALWAYS FAIR TO SEE.I'M JUST A LITTLE HAWAIIAN AND A HOMESICK ISLAND BOY,I WANT TO GO BACK TO MY FISH AND POI,I WANT TO GO BACK TO MY LITTLE GRASS SHACK IN KEALAKEKUA, HAWAIIWHERE THE HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUAA GOES SWIMMING BYWHERE THE HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUAA GOES SWIMMING BY
Thank you Daddy.. for all the Songs... for all the Special Memories
I Love you....
your Little Girl
0
Monday, May 21, 2007
ONCE AGAIN ITS YOU
IN THE DEEP RECESSES OF MY SOUL,
MY HEART CRIES OUT TO YOU
FOR
JUST ONE MORE
TOUCH OF YOU.
IN MY DREAMS I PULL YOU CLOSE
HOLDING YOU IN
REALIZING THAT WHEN
(AND IF) I AWAKE
I MUST LET GO...
RELEASE YOU TO THE
HEAVENS
YOU ARE NO MORE
NOT HERE
NOT HEAR
ALONE IN THIS PAIN
NO ONE CAN TOUCH
NO ONE CAN SEE
CHEST HURTS
HEART HEAVY
EYES DOWNCAST
MEMORIES CHANGE
NO FREEDOM BRINGS
FEELINGS ARE A PERSONA
NOW
ghostly apparitions
phantoms of Nevermore
or maybe
never quite was.
DAMMIT! DAMN IT!!!
where are You now??
Why the nothingness
when i reach out to you
You are not HERE
so many times
i do not want
to go on
with out You
you
have
moved on
i am still
here
only the memories
sustain this pain.
I cannot
I WILL NOT
let you go!
(c) jodyB -
May 21, 2007
MY HEART CRIES OUT TO YOU
FOR
JUST ONE MORE
TOUCH OF YOU.
IN MY DREAMS I PULL YOU CLOSE
HOLDING YOU IN
REALIZING THAT WHEN
(AND IF) I AWAKE
I MUST LET GO...
RELEASE YOU TO THE
HEAVENS
YOU ARE NO MORE
NOT HERE
NOT HEAR
ALONE IN THIS PAIN
NO ONE CAN TOUCH
NO ONE CAN SEE
CHEST HURTS
HEART HEAVY
EYES DOWNCAST
MEMORIES CHANGE
NO FREEDOM BRINGS
FEELINGS ARE A PERSONA
NOW
ghostly apparitions
phantoms of Nevermore
or maybe
never quite was.
DAMMIT! DAMN IT!!!
where are You now??
Why the nothingness
when i reach out to you
You are not HERE
so many times
i do not want
to go on
with out You
you
have
moved on
i am still
here
only the memories
sustain this pain.
I cannot
I WILL NOT
let you go!
(c) jodyB -
May 21, 2007
Monday, September 25, 2006
LONGINGS
Thots & What Knots
.... {SIGH}.... BEARMAN... i miss you soooo muchly... i wish you were here.. i miss chatting with you on line like we used to. I miss hearing your voice. So often, I will remember things that you said.. I will smile inside. But I also cry... I miss you Sooo Much. I have never loved anyone like I loved you. You were friend, confidant... father figure... my heart.
i have my Bobbie Bear... he is so good to me.. I do not know why he puts up with me sometimes. He is my Mate.. and I am very grateful that he is in my Life. But.. the amount of pain that he suffers day and nite... and rarely sleeps... I wish he would be free all this pain...
I need to find work... a job that will pay the bills, and make me feel wanted and needed.. is there such a place.
for now.. this is alll....
.... {SIGH}.... BEARMAN... i miss you soooo muchly... i wish you were here.. i miss chatting with you on line like we used to. I miss hearing your voice. So often, I will remember things that you said.. I will smile inside. But I also cry... I miss you Sooo Much. I have never loved anyone like I loved you. You were friend, confidant... father figure... my heart.
i have my Bobbie Bear... he is so good to me.. I do not know why he puts up with me sometimes. He is my Mate.. and I am very grateful that he is in my Life. But.. the amount of pain that he suffers day and nite... and rarely sleeps... I wish he would be free all this pain...
I need to find work... a job that will pay the bills, and make me feel wanted and needed.. is there such a place.
for now.. this is alll....
Monday, September 04, 2006
Friend & Bearman
My Dearest Bearman!
I miss you so very much...l my heart hurts and tears unshed well up in a broken soul...
Bobbie took me to see the PHANTOM OF THE OPERA in Vancouver last week. It was Awesome... One of the songs... the one that Christine sang at the grave of her father, rings true for me. Here is my song fromher song.
"You were once my one companion, you were all that mattered. You were once my Friend and Bearman, Until my world was shattered! Wishing I could see you here with me... Wishing I could have you near.... Sometimes it seems- if I just dreamed, somehow you would be here! Wishing i could hear Your voice again... Knowing that I neever would,,,, Dreaming of You, has taught me to do all that you Dreamed I could."
Oh my Bearman... my dear dear Bearman... Will the pain ever go away. People at work who see me at my job... giving the best care I can... they see me as Bubbly. Bearman... My inner pain is too much.... I miss you... I do not miss the pain of the cancer that tortured you body and soul.
I will Always Love you... Forever and Always...
jody
Saturday, September 02, 2006
My Bobbie
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What a wonderful Hubby God has blessed me with!!! He is so very good to me... He gets up at 4:39 AM to make me befus when I have to go to work early in the morning. He even makes Fuzzy Bear some befus too.
Bobbie, I love you so Very Much... Thank you for your love. Thank you for caring for me. You are my best Friend --- I just love being with you. I only wish that I could help you feel better.
My Babah, My Love/
Saturday, July 08, 2006
BEARMAN & ALWAYS
My dearest Bearman.... I think of you often. especially as I am driving the hour to work. I miss you so very much. We had such fun together. I remember with joy and a touch of sadness all the times we road bicycles together. Yesterday I was remembering the first time I road to the beach with you. After a day in the sun riding, having surmounted the Sepulveda incline, I remember hooting and hollering like a wild indian as I road down the Sepulveda to the Valley below. What a complete HIGH!!! It was Awesome.
Some of the memories I have of you will be kept safely in my innermost heart. You are so special to me. Is it true that you are my guardian Angel, and that you now watch over me??? Sure wish I could see your face, your smile, and feel your touch.
Thank you for all the years, for the laughter, and for the tears.
You will AlwaYs be my Bearman
Forever & Beyond
bearlady
Some of the memories I have of you will be kept safely in my innermost heart. You are so special to me. Is it true that you are my guardian Angel, and that you now watch over me??? Sure wish I could see your face, your smile, and feel your touch.
Thank you for all the years, for the laughter, and for the tears.
You will AlwaYs be my Bearman
Forever & Beyond
bearlady
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
For the Bearman
YESTERDAYS & 1000 TOMORROWS
Forever & Beyond. Bearman... on May 5th this
year, you had been gone from earth for an entire year. It is hard to live
with out you... without talking with you and touching Base with you.... AHHHH I
miss you so!!!
You are my Sunshine, my onliest Sunshine,
You make me happy when skies are grey
You;ll Never know Bears, how much I love
You
Please don't take my Bearman away...
But you went away sometime during the nite of May 5,
2005. You were a fighter, and you fought long and hard against the battle
of cancer. Yet, you were still able to reach out to those you loved.
How many times did you help Bobbie and me when we were in distress. How
many times did you reach out to my very disfunctional family.
Bearman.... I Love You, I willl Always love you.. There
are parts of me that no one else can ever have... because those parts belong to
you alone. But, this past year, although it has been a painful and
extremely frustrating one, this past 4 months have been a new beginning for
Bobbie and me. He is my Best Friend. Just like he has to be... Just
like you said. He is the person I want to be with the most.
Still I miss you... I will Always Love you.... THe
memories come flooding back and I wish for one more time to be with you, to hold
you... to fuzzy you up... to make you know the depth of gratitude I have for
you.
I Love you!
Forever and Beyond.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
FRUSTRATION
today i went to see gyno to have another shot of testosterone. Told him of the scariness inside and all the pent up frustrations and acting out on web. Did not know if wanted the shot or not... thinking that it may produce some of this angst. I want to be attractive to my husband... I do not want to loose "me" as I know me. I have always had a relatively high sexual energy... and it has been a source of addictive behaviour for me. Don't want the addictive behaviour... but still want the energy... the desire to be desired, and the desire to please.
I am frustrated. I want to beat out my frustrations some way. I have done so in the past by running, biking, and using the punch bag. What will i do today.
Will be going to work tomorrow evening. That should help.
God... are you hearing me??? PLEASE!!!!
I am frustrated. I want to beat out my frustrations some way. I have done so in the past by running, biking, and using the punch bag. What will i do today.
Will be going to work tomorrow evening. That should help.
God... are you hearing me??? PLEASE!!!!
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