Kaleidescope

It aint no dif'rnt
Stays jes the same
Spiders crawlin' halls
Or malls or waterFalls
Within my brain

Vivid colours scream
Streaming with ghosts
From this or that one's Dreams
pheromone's projectile spins
Will you Dance with me

Still no one comes
Till noOne comes
Hollow walls and
Hallowed voices
Squelch the Damned Refrain
Still no one comes
Till no OneComes
I paint my world
A murky Soylent Green








Soylent Green

I HAVE LOVED YOU

I HAVE LOVED YOU

I have loved you

For Oh so long it seems

with tears, ‘n’ fears and

Sadness of not having you

Here with me

I have loved you

For Oh so long

not knowing Who you are

or even What you would be

yet knowing that somehow

you are a Part of me

I have loved you

For Oh so long and

Dreamed of holding you

in my arms close to my heart

and lulling you to sleep

I have loved you

For Oh so long

without a picture

an image to show or

even an Identity

I have loved you

For Oh so long and

Finally knowing

That you ARE

And we will be Family

I have loved you

For Oh so long

My little One

My only Son

My Ezra!

 

I have loved you

For Oh so long

Knowing you will be

God’s Help in life

And such a

Help to me!

I have loved you

For Oh so long

crying tears of insanity

as political forces,

barriers and seas

keep you so far away

from me

I have loved you

For Oh so long

My Son

Hold on!

and one day soon

We are coming

Come Hell or high water

To bring you home

To be

our family

©jodyB

June 2, 2010

I HAVE LOVED YOU FOR OH SO LONG

I HAVE LOVED YOU







I have loved you


For Oh so long it seems


with tears, ‘n’ fears and


Sadness of not having you


Here with me






I have loved you


For Oh so long


not knowing Who you are


or even What you would be


yet knowing that somehow


you are a Part of me






I have loved you


For Oh so long and


Dreamed of holding you


in my arms close to my heart


and lulling you to sleep






I have loved you


For Oh so long


without a picture


an image to show or


even an Identity






I have loved you


For Oh so long and


Finally knowing


That you ARE


And we will be Family






I have loved you


For Oh so long


My little One


My only Son


My Ezra!






I have loved you


For Oh so long


Knowing you will be


God’s Help in life


And such a


Help to me!






I have loved you


For Oh so long


crying tears of insanity


as political forces,


barriers and seas


keep you so far away


from me










I have loved you


For Oh so long


My Son


Hold on!


and one day soon


We are coming


Come Hell or high water


To bring you home


To be


our family










©jodyB


June 2, 2010

BUT...YOU DON'T KNOW ME

BUT YOU DON’T KNOW ME




I flitter, I twirl, I dance
But…you don’t know me
my heart cries out
my soul bleeds
my hunger insatiable
But…you don’t know me


I go on Mindtrips
Lost in my head
Looking for yesterdays
That never were
Or were some how
wrapped
In barbed wire
With pretty yellow roses
and purple satin trim
But…you don’t know me

I have songs inside
Inside me lives a
muse ..
dying for recognition
trying to come out and
play before you
But…you don’t know me
I have a spirit
That loves the Aba FATHER
and so LONGS for
you to know Him
so I can share that part
that special Part of me
But…you don’t know me

Sometimes I live
In HELL
With the Fire burning
and the flames seducing
but there seems no
one cares or hears
my screams
And
you don’t Hear me

i wish i could dance
with you
and hold you tight
My Hero, my Knight
I wish I could bring
You close to my Soul and
KNOW you are really there
And I have tried to
Let you in
to my most intimate me
Yet still

you don’t know me

©jodyB

June 1, 2010¬

I HAVE LOVED YOU FOR OH SO LONG

I HAVE LOVED YOU







I have loved you


For Oh so long it seems


with tears, ‘n’ fears and

Sadness of not having you

Here with me






I have loved you


For Oh so long


not knowing Who you are


or even What you would be


yet knowing that somehow


you are a Part of me

I have loved you


For Oh so long and


Dreamed of holding you


in my arms close to my heart


and lulling you to sleep






I have loved you


For Oh so long


without a picture


an image to show or


even an Identity






I have loved you


For Oh so long and


Finally knowing


That you ARE


And we will be Family






I have loved you


For Oh so long


My little One


My only Son


My Ezra!






I have loved you


For Oh so long


Knowing you will be


God’s Help in life


And such a


Help to me!






I have loved you


For Oh so long


crying tears of insanity


as political forces,


barriers and seas


keep you so far away


from me










I have loved you


For Oh so long


My Son


Hold on!


and one day soon


We are coming


Come Hell or high water


To bring you home


To be


our family










©jodyB

June 2, 2010

Melocholony:To Plath or Not to Plath

Often Times, over the decades that have made up my life, i have vested much time in this melancholic  dream state i find myself.  the ineffable attraction toward "being self=possessed" and ending it all, as well as the dissatisfaction with the lack of acclaim or achievement continue to prevail.  The quandary and the all out dichotomy is that i have a very Strong Faith, and Relationship with GOD

i am married, 10 1/2 yrs with 5 grandchildren...2 step kids- I love my Grandchildren.. My family, my friends and church; but there is a certain almost seductive calling toward melancholia, toward suicide, the "TRAGICALLY HIP" life of Sylvia Plath, Virgina Woof,Emily Dickinson, and the like. and so it goes, and so it was and so i be

jodyB

FUZZY BEAR

ABOUT ME


July, 2005. Early Evening. I was cold, hungry and dirty. Seems I had been running around for a week or 2. Nobody looked for me. Nobody wanted me. I was Alone. I had found a nice bed, of sorts, under some leaves. Wasn’t much, but I was not one to complain. What was that noise? I heard some big people coming. I crunched down further under the leaves. What? The Big People are looking for me. Who Are they? WOW, a beautiful young woman picked me up and cuddled me. Then she put me in a box and handed the box to her dad. Would I be safe? Would I find a home again? Would someone love me? The Big People brought me to their house Another Big Person looked right through the filth and saw my eyes…. So hungry for love. She picked me up and bathed me in nice sudsy warm water. She kept cooing over me. She wrapped me in a Big Bathrobe, then held me for a long time till she had to leave. Would this be my home? Would I be Loved again? I was nine years old.

They say that I have a tattoo on my underside, the kind that breeders put on their animals. They say I was a kind of “puppy-mill” and then abandoned when I was no longer able to make puppies. I had bad teeth, horrible breath, and my Lady found a mammary tumor. My ears were filled with mites. In other words, I was NO princess! But my Lady loved me. And I Loved her. I would go every where with her. She had other 4 footeds, which put up with me, at first, and then straight on accepted me. I was home! I was Loved.

In the beginning my Lady was sad a lot. She told me she had lost a very special friend she called her Bearman. She wanted to name me in honour of him. She said “I will call you Fuzzy Bear because you are so fuzzy and you make me happy!”

With No Apologies

With no Apologies


My Sleeve Is Visible to Most
with Tears ‘n’ Fears ‘n’ All Out Joy
Spilling Down my Cloak on to the ground
reBounding into the Eyes ofPeople i meet.
So if i Cry Out the Pain is Deep!
But i have A HOPE that comes from within
, and Others YOU send ~ A Hope of LIFE Beyond THE END=
(John 10:10)


The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life. John 10:10



©jodyB
October 7, 2009

Step One - Powerless

came to believe i am powerless over this compulsion/addiction and pain. YES... I am Powerless. I walk away, I go there, i fall, slip.., my heart cries, i pray, i get hope, i walk away, i go "There", i fall, Slip into the behaviour that brings pain/joy-relief and more pain and shame. Am I letting Go///' I do for a while...I start my paper routes singing, lifting my arms in the air, praising God... And i am Sincere... then the Lies come... Well, just bring a flower to him to let him know i care... but i will not try to see him...the lies that i have control...the lies that i can make it... I live my life... I do not want to end my life... I am in a better place than i have been in several months... mostly cuz i am seeking... and i have found you'all in love and support... mostly because i am wanting to be free--- to turn my will and my life over to God...I do not want to Change my life... i do not want my marriage to end.. I do not want to hurt/betray my husband anymore. I don't want to seek relieve from my inner pain this way... but i Do... there is pain in this life... we all have it, and we all have our various ways of coping. I believe that i a Child of God... and that He promises Hope and Life for me... But the Shame is eating away...BPD... Borderline Personality Disorder. "I Love you, i hate you... please don't leave me...BPD.. this is a pervasive illness
1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self; or sense of long-term goals; or career choices, types of friends desired or values preferred.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging: for example; spending, sex, substance abuse, and binge eating.
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
6. Affective instability: marked shifts from baseline mood to depression, irritability, or anxiety, usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days.
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger; frequent displays of temper.
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.and slowly i sink into despondancy

YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.

YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.

Dream last nite May 5th 08


I LOOKED down at my right heel/ankle saw some skin was pulling away like a blister… but did NOT hurt…

I decided to peel the skin off( like a sunburn that is peeling). I continued peeling… I was amazed… an unbelievable amount of skin was coming off several layers thick… and all intact. I showed this (which I thought was like a costume or something to Steve (or was it Bobbie???) I also showed this to Susie. They both agreed that it was STRANGE… I thought about putting the Skin back on… like a dress or something… Both said NO!!! The old skin had begun to stink… and was repulsive to them.


I think this dream is very Prophetic…

Kinda like the new wine in old wine skins

See wickipedia at end of this msg.

New Wine into Old Wineskins is a saying of Jesus found in the Gospel of Matthew 9:17, Gospel of Mark 2:22 and Gospel of Luke 5:37-39. The wording is similar in all three gospels except for the additional verses recorded by Luke.
Luke's version reads:
And no one puts new wine into old wineskins; otherwise the new wine will burst the skins and will be spilled, and the skins will be destroyed. But new wine must be put into fresh wineskins. And no one after drinking old wine desires new wine, but says, “The old is good.” ’ NRSV
In the three synoptic gospels the saying is given immediately after the recruitment of Levi/Matthew to be a follower, and is given as a secondary justification for why Jesus' disciples do not fast, even though those of John the Baptist do (Mark 2:18-20).
[edit] Interpretations
The metaphors were drawn from contemporary culture. Wineskins would stretch with new wine being put in as it continues to ferment, and then they would harden. If new wine was put into a hardened wineskin, the continued fermentation risked bursting the skin. Similarly, new cloth would be expected to shrink considerably, so using it to patch already-shrunken cloth would be asking for problems.
Taken together with Jesus' similar statement about not using new cloth to patch old clothing (Mark 2:21), this saying is often interpreted to mean that Jesus' new teaching will not fit within the Jewish religion, or within the religious structures of the time. Many, especially Christians, have interpreted it as Jesus saying he was the start of a new religion separate from Judaism, and from that of John the Baptist, for example see Ignatius of Antioch Magnesians X. Some Christians have used it to propose new ways of being Christian or even entirely new forms of Christianity. In the early second century Marcion used it to justify his doctrine of Marcionism.
Others view the phrase in Luke 5:39 in conflict with these interpretations. The passage says, "And no one, after drinking old wine wishes for new; for he says, 'The old is good enough.'" (NASB) Rather than incompatibility of new and old religious structures, it has been suggested parable of new and old wineskins is about the nature of teaching and those who are taught. "No one takes a lesson meant for a new student and tries to teach it to an old (already educated) student. If he does, he will fail to teach the new student, and the lesson meant for the new student will be rejected by the old student."[1]. See also New Covenant and Christian View of the Law.
[edit] Gospel of Thomas



Anyway… I am thinking the dream has to do with me taking off the “Skins” that are worn and no longer needed. Wanting to be fresh… but STRANGLY, I try to wear the OLD skin like a dress/// to put it back ON me…. But it is an NOT nice…

Tell me what you think… isn’t this kind of prophetic or insightful in a way… about my struggles with overcoming my addictions and Pain,and my Hunger for Grace and New Life… kinda like putting off the Old Man

Just found this blog online….
Ephesians 4:20-22Paul has told his readers their lives are to be very different from what they once were. Before they came to faith in Christ they lived just like all the people around them. They were idolaters. They pursued all kinds of immorality. Their hearts were hardened toward God. But this was the old way of life and they must realize the old way of life must be left behind.Now the apostle turns our thinking toward what we need to do in order to live the kind of lives God has for us. He doesn’t leave us floundering around in the dark. He doesn’t just tell us we have to be different from the world around us. He actually tells us what we have to do and how we have to do it.Paul begins in verses 20 and 21 by reminding us how we came to know Christ. He is not talking about our conversion here. He is talking about how we came to be intimate with Jesus following our conversion. He is contrasting the lifestyle of the unconverted person with that of the Christian. In verses 18 and 19 he said the unconverted people have hearts that are hardened toward God and because of the hardness of their hearts they immerse themselves in all kinds of sensuality and impurity, continually desiring more. Christians are changed. We have new hearts that are attuned to God. We have the Holy Spirit of God living in us and working on our hearts and minds. We have been turned toward God. And having been turned toward God, we begin to come to know Christ and understand him and share fellowship with him. When we learned Christ we were no longer like the people of the world. He goes on to say that if we really heard Jesus and if we were really taught the truth that is in Jesus then it is plain to see that we cannot return to our old lives but must continue to grow in our Christian lives.What are we supposed to do? Paul says we are to put off our old man. He uses the same words one would use to describe changing clothes. You have to take off one outfit and put on a new outfit. The outfit we have to take off is our old man, our old way of life. What is the old man? It is what we were at birth. It is the person we used to be; the person who was born in sin because of the fall of Adam. Paul describes the old man in verses 17-19. He is futile in his thinking and darkened in his understanding because of sin. He is separated from the life of God and his heart is hardened. As a result of these things he pursues all kinds of sin and hungers for more. This old man is being corrupted; he is dying but he doesn’t realize it because his desires are deceiving him.This old man should influence us no longer. He was put to death when you became a Christian and were recreated as a child of God. Notice that Paul says, “You were taught to put off your old man.” When you became a follower of Jesus you were taught to put off the fallen, sinful man. The verb tense Paul uses means, “You were taught to put off your old man once and for all.” If this is something we were supposed to do once and for all, then why does Paul tell his readers in verse 25 that they must put off the sins of their old lives? It has to do with the fact that as long as we are still living in our fallen and corruptible bodies we are susceptible to the weight of sin. Remember Paul’s own testimony in Romans 7:18-25. Even Paul struggled with sin! So what he means is this: “You were taught to put off the old man when you came to faith in Christ, and so you did. But as time has passed you may have slipped back into some of your old behaviors. You still need to put off the old man once and for all!”
posted by Shiloh Guy @ Saturday, January 27, 2007 0 comments

Once again its you

Once again its you
In the deep recesses of my soul,

my heart cries out to you

for just one more touch of you.

In my dreams i pull you close holding you in
realizing that when (and if) i awake i must let go..

.Release you to the heavens

you

are no more

not here.. can’t hear you
And I remain

alone in this pain no one can touch no one can see





chest hurts heart heavy

eyes downcast memories change
Kaleidoscope images no freedom

feelings are a persona now

ghostly apparitions phantoms of nevermore or maybe never quite was



Damn it! Damn it!!!

Where are you now??

Why the nothingness when i reach out

to you - you are not here

so many times i do not want to go on with out you

you have moved on

i am still here with only memories

and still the PAIN

i cannot

i will not

let you go!



(c) jodyB -may 21, 2007

and i will ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!!

Bearman...

no one has ever loved me the way you did... no one has ever accepted me,,, even when i fail them... no one has ever cared...You always would say... "Forever and Always!" in the last few months you started to say..."ForEver and BEYOND!"

I MISS YOU SOOOO MUCH it hurts, rips my heart out sometimes.

Still i am glad... glad that you are gone from the pain... the pain of CANCER that ravaged your soul and dignity...

BEARS...3 years today... you left this earth... Now, i believe you are FREE, at last... with the Creator... and perhaps God has sent you as my Angel to watch over me!!!

But Bears... the horrible part of me... the pain of SHAME and Addiction, still plagues me...

I Miss you BEARS...

\

Forever And Always...

jodyB

i will always Love you

i miss you... i cannot Find you.... Where are you..

But you said that you would be with me... f0rever and BEYOND!! now you are in BEYOND,...

and i am here alone

the pain and lonliness does nto go away... yet the memories are sweet, and someitmes i laugh out loud.... we had our own special language... you and i

3 YEARS... 3 YEARS you have been gone... So glad that you are no longer suffering from the pain of cancer... But wish i could have been with you to help you through!

Don't know why or how you could have put up with me.... I HURT YOU... yet still you were there for me. you wanted to leave to let go, but you said you couldn't ---becuase friends don't do that to Friends. We were more than friends we were/ARE soulmates. No one has ever loved me like you did... no one has ever accepted me like you....

Bearman... i will ALWAYS love you...

Daddy Sings to me his Song

Thank you Robbie-Bob for reminiscining with me... Here is Daddy's song "Blamed it on the Moon" that he probably wrote for Jane...


blamed it on the moon
For falling in love
I blamed it on the moon and you
I blamed it on the stars
Which shine up above
I blamed it on a June night too

My loves they come and go
Always the same
This love I surely know
Will always remain
And so I
Blamed it on the moon
For falling in love
I blamed it on the moon and you

AGGHHHH!!! WAVES OF DEBT

Sigh.... I am not sure how we will make it... Financially it has never been so desperate for us. Sure we have a lot of Assets... but we are in Debt up the "#DD(*GH@!?" Yaah, our Father owns the Whole world, but He is not paying the many creditors,that are hounding us. AGGGHHHHH!!!! I do Believe that He can and Will provide.... SOMEDAY!!! Just not sure about now...

Hey God, you listening! I am crying out to You!!! Life for us, seems to continue to get more and more difficult. My depression and Anxiety are making it hard to cope, and the challenges in our lives right now are intensiving the Depression and Anxiety,. I do not know what the answerr it.....

"SHHHHH! BE STILL, AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD.I WILL BE EXALTED AMONG THE HEATHEN.I WILL BE EXALTED IN THE EARTH!"Ps 46:10

AND AGAIN:

"...BUT SEEK YE FIRST THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, AND IT'S RIGHTEOUSNESS, AND ALL THESE THINGS WILL BE ADDED UNTO YOU. THEREFORE, TAKE NO THOUGHT OF TOMORROW, FOR TOMORROW SHALL TAKE THOUGHT OF ITSELF..., SUFFICIENT UNTO THE DAY ARE THE TROUBLES THERE OF.." MATTHEW 6:33-34

SO, ok... But HOW, Just HOW do i hold on to it... when the mortgage is due... Rx's need to be picked up... and Utilities and bills need to be paid...!!!

PFFFFHHHHMMMPHH! Still Scared!

Daddy Sings to me

in my mind... in my memories... I love to hear you sig to me,Daddy.... I miss you... Have not thot about you in a long while. But I heard this song in my mind just the other day..."I wanna go back to that little grass shack in Keilikau


ABSOLUTELY,THERE'S A PLACE IN HAWAIITHAT IS VERY DEAR TO MEI AM HOMESICK AS CAN BE WON'T YOU LISTEN TO MY PLEA?I WANT TO GO BACK TO MY LITTLE GRASS SHACK IN KEALAKEKUA HAWAIII WANT TO BE WITH ALL THE KANES AND WAHINES THAT I KNEW LONG AGOI CAN HEAR OLD GUITARS A-PLAYING ON THE BEACH AT HO'ONAUNAUI CAN HEAR THE HAWAIIANS SAYING"KOMO MAI NO KAUA IKA HALE WELAKAHAO"IT WON'T BE LONG 'TIL MY SHIP WILL BE SAILING BACK TO KONAA GRAND OLD PLACE THAT'S ALWAYS FAIR TO SEE.I'M JUST A LITTLE HAWAIIAN AND A HOMESICK ISLAND BOY,I WANT TO GO BACK TO MY FISH AND POI,I WANT TO GO BACK TO MY LITTLE GRASS SHACK IN KEALAKEKUA, HAWAIIWHERE THE HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUAA GOES SWIMMING BYWHERE THE HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUAA GOES SWIMMING BY

Thank you Daddy.. for all the Songs... for all the Special Memories

I Love you....

your Little Girl
0

Fuzzy Bear n me

ONCE AGAIN ITS YOU

IN THE DEEP RECESSES OF MY SOUL,
MY HEART CRIES OUT TO YOU
FOR
JUST ONE MORE
TOUCH OF YOU.

IN MY DREAMS I PULL YOU CLOSE
HOLDING YOU IN
REALIZING THAT WHEN
(AND IF) I AWAKE
I MUST LET GO...
RELEASE YOU TO THE
HEAVENS

YOU ARE NO MORE
NOT HERE
NOT HEAR
ALONE IN THIS PAIN
NO ONE CAN TOUCH
NO ONE CAN SEE

CHEST HURTS
HEART HEAVY
EYES DOWNCAST

MEMORIES CHANGE
NO FREEDOM BRINGS
FEELINGS ARE A PERSONA
NOW

ghostly apparitions
phantoms of Nevermore
or maybe
never quite was.

DAMMIT! DAMN IT!!!
where are You now??
Why the nothingness
when i reach out to you

You are not HERE
so many times
i do not want
to go on

with out You

you
have
moved on

i am still
here

only the memories
sustain this pain.

I cannot

I WILL NOT

let you go!

(c) jodyB -

May 21, 2007

LONGINGS

Thots & What Knots

.... {SIGH}.... BEARMAN... i miss you soooo muchly... i wish you were here.. i miss chatting with you on line like we used to. I miss hearing your voice. So often, I will remember things that you said.. I will smile inside. But I also cry... I miss you Sooo Much. I have never loved anyone like I loved you. You were friend, confidant... father figure... my heart.

i have my Bobbie Bear... he is so good to me.. I do not know why he puts up with me sometimes. He is my Mate.. and I am very grateful that he is in my Life. But.. the amount of pain that he suffers day and nite... and rarely sleeps... I wish he would be free all this pain...

I need to find work... a job that will pay the bills, and make me feel wanted and needed.. is there such a place.

for now.. this is alll....