ONCE AGAIN ITS YOU

IN THE DEEP RECESSES OF MY SOUL,
MY HEART CRIES OUT TO YOU
FOR
JUST ONE MORE
TOUCH OF YOU.

IN MY DREAMS I PULL YOU CLOSE
HOLDING YOU IN
REALIZING THAT WHEN
(AND IF) I AWAKE
I MUST LET GO...
RELEASE YOU TO THE
HEAVENS

YOU ARE NO MORE
NOT HERE
NOT HEAR
ALONE IN THIS PAIN
NO ONE CAN TOUCH
NO ONE CAN SEE

CHEST HURTS
HEART HEAVY
EYES DOWNCAST

MEMORIES CHANGE
NO FREEDOM BRINGS
FEELINGS ARE A PERSONA
NOW

ghostly apparitions
phantoms of Nevermore
or maybe
never quite was.

DAMMIT! DAMN IT!!!
where are You now??
Why the nothingness
when i reach out to you

You are not HERE
so many times
i do not want
to go on

with out You

you
have
moved on

i am still
here

only the memories
sustain this pain.

I cannot

I WILL NOT

let you go!

(c) jodyB -

May 21, 2007

LONGINGS

Thots & What Knots

.... {SIGH}.... BEARMAN... i miss you soooo muchly... i wish you were here.. i miss chatting with you on line like we used to. I miss hearing your voice. So often, I will remember things that you said.. I will smile inside. But I also cry... I miss you Sooo Much. I have never loved anyone like I loved you. You were friend, confidant... father figure... my heart.

i have my Bobbie Bear... he is so good to me.. I do not know why he puts up with me sometimes. He is my Mate.. and I am very grateful that he is in my Life. But.. the amount of pain that he suffers day and nite... and rarely sleeps... I wish he would be free all this pain...

I need to find work... a job that will pay the bills, and make me feel wanted and needed.. is there such a place.

for now.. this is alll....

Friend & Bearman

My Dearest Bearman!

I miss you so very much...l my heart hurts and tears unshed well up in a broken soul...

Bobbie took me to see the PHANTOM OF THE OPERA in Vancouver last week. It was Awesome... One of the songs... the one that Christine sang at the grave of her father, rings true for me. Here is my song fromher song.

"You were once my one companion, you were all that mattered. You were once my Friend and Bearman, Until my world was shattered! Wishing I could see you here with me... Wishing I could have you near.... Sometimes it seems- if I just dreamed, somehow you would be here! Wishing i could hear Your voice again... Knowing that I neever would,,,, Dreaming of You, has taught me to do all that you Dreamed I could."

Oh my Bearman... my dear dear Bearman... Will the pain ever go away. People at work who see me at my job... giving the best care I can... they see me as Bubbly. Bearman... My inner pain is too much.... I miss you... I do not miss the pain of the cancer that tortured you body and soul.

I will Always Love you... Forever and Always...

jody

My Bobbie

What a wonderful Hubby God has blessed me with!!! He is so very good to me... He gets up at 4:39 AM to make me befus when I have to go to work early in the morning. He even makes Fuzzy Bear some befus too.

Bobbie, I love you so Very Much... Thank you for your love. Thank you for caring for me. You are my best Friend --- I just love being with you. I only wish that I could help you feel better.

My Babah, My Love/

BEARMAN & ALWAYS

My dearest Bearman.... I think of you often. especially as I am driving the hour to work. I miss you so very much. We had such fun together. I remember with joy and a touch of sadness all the times we road bicycles together. Yesterday I was remembering the first time I road to the beach with you. After a day in the sun riding, having surmounted the Sepulveda incline, I remember hooting and hollering like a wild indian as I road down the Sepulveda to the Valley below. What a complete HIGH!!! It was Awesome.

Some of the memories I have of you will be kept safely in my innermost heart. You are so special to me. Is it true that you are my guardian Angel, and that you now watch over me??? Sure wish I could see your face, your smile, and feel your touch.

Thank you for all the years, for the laughter, and for the tears.

You will AlwaYs be my Bearman


Forever & Beyond

bearlady

For the Bearman

YESTERDAYS & 1000 TOMORROWS

Forever & Beyond. Bearman... on May 5th this
year, you had been gone from earth for an entire year. It is hard to live
with out you... without talking with you and touching Base with you.... AHHHH I
miss you so!!!

You are my Sunshine, my onliest Sunshine,
You make me happy when skies are grey
You;ll Never know Bears, how much I love
You
Please don't take my Bearman away...

But you went away sometime during the nite of May 5,
2005. You were a fighter, and you fought long and hard against the battle
of cancer. Yet, you were still able to reach out to those you loved.
How many times did you help Bobbie and me when we were in distress. How
many times did you reach out to my very disfunctional family.

Bearman.... I Love You, I willl Always love you.. There
are parts of me that no one else can ever have... because those parts belong to
you alone. But, this past year, although it has been a painful and
extremely frustrating one, this past 4 months have been a new beginning for
Bobbie and me. He is my Best Friend. Just like he has to be... Just
like you said. He is the person I want to be with the most.

Still I miss you... I will Always Love you.... THe
memories come flooding back and I wish for one more time to be with you, to hold
you... to fuzzy you up... to make you know the depth of gratitude I have for
you.

I Love you!

Forever and Beyond.

FRUSTRATION

today i went to see gyno to have another shot of testosterone. Told him of the scariness inside and all the pent up frustrations and acting out on web. Did not know if wanted the shot or not... thinking that it may produce some of this angst. I want to be attractive to my husband... I do not want to loose "me" as I know me. I have always had a relatively high sexual energy... and it has been a source of addictive behaviour for me. Don't want the addictive behaviour... but still want the energy... the desire to be desired, and the desire to please.

I am frustrated. I want to beat out my frustrations some way. I have done so in the past by running, biking, and using the punch bag. What will i do today.

Will be going to work tomorrow evening. That should help.

God... are you hearing me??? PLEASE!!!!

LONELINESS AND SEX

It is a constant struggle... This pull toward physical,mental fulfillment. Stress is part of life... Always. When the frustration becomes too intense, the soul yearns for freedom and relief. I cry for health... Spiritual awakening.... I cry to ask the Lord to keep me from myself and my own longings... I feel as if I am drowning... and i reach out to the universe.. or, to the very thing that snares me.... my own addiction/compulsion.

Sex is good. I like it... but i yearn for more than there is right now. Is it the Relationship that I find lacking? My Love is not enuf to cover my need...I want to be touched, cuddled, stroked, and seduced. We mis-connect. And I go searching for the nebulous fix. I long to give, but am in sore need of receiving. Mostly, I find self fulfillment, boring and guilt producing... Lately it seems i am insatiable, and crave the release of pent up sexual,emotional frustration. I fantasize..... And again I feel the release of flow... I want more! I want more... More than just sexual release... Yet i want that.

I feel like the woman in "looking for Mr. Goodbar" living one life in public, and quite another in private.

Searches have led me to a thirst and a hunger and desire. And I'm afraid to explore.... I feel pulled down into the cauldron --- the vixen is at it again!

Here comes the passions... Will they be the death of the me???


_____________________________________________

labyrinth

This labyrinth

This Frightful Maze

is Home

Home to the Caged

The Haunted Spectre

the hooked nose Ancient One

Who wears anorexic skin

like bags of courage.

To the somnambulistic Child

running in and out of

Fantasy

and Dream-like reality

Home

to the Seductive Wench

cajoling all to dance

the sordid swirl with the

Phantom of Virility

--to the Angry serpent

spitting venomous lies

and shooting daggers of obscenities.

This Labryinth

this frightful Maze is Home

Home to the many

voices and facets

of my personality

(c) jody

QZSdcxfgbnk;'

WORRY & FINANCES

II am worried. I am not sleeping well... have lots of anxiety...my heart is racing and inside, I am scared.

Lord, you said that I should not worry about my life... What to eat or drink... about clothes to wear.

Child, don't worry about your life.. what to eat, or drink, or clothes to put on. Isn't your life MORE than food, and your body than clothing. Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow, or gather into barns.... Yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Daughter How does your anxiety about life make it get better, or increase your lifetime??? And why do you worry about clothing... Look at the grasses and flowers of the fields.... Even great Solomon wasn't dressed like these.... If God so adorns the flowers in the field, He Will Take Care of you too. Daughter, your faith in me is wavering. I know Your needs before even you do.. Child... Seek me, Talk to me, Cry to me... Seek my Way in your life... and you will have all these needs met. Don't be anxious about tomorrow. Tomorrow has enough problems of its own... TRUST in ME."

Oh Lord... I am scared... The bills are piling up. We do not have money to pay the mortgage. we need to buy medicine, and food. There is not money available on any Credit Card....and the amount owed is much more than the amt we can pay. I am concerned about work. Scared I will be fired. They have cut my hours, and I am feeling that I am not at my best. GOD I don't know how to Trust you.... Yes, you have taken care of us before --- we have borrowed on credit cards... and spent money in ways we cannot afford. Friends and the church have given us money and food.

And God, I am afraid of him. I do not know how to really talk to him about money. He seems to take it as an afront when I express my worries and pain. He says that he is doing the very best he can. And that he does not even see any of his pay check, as it goes to pay the mortgage,loans, and bills. My paycheck does not cover the credit cards.... Does not cover gasoline bills... Does not cover food needs. Creditors are calling. ANGRY. What if he gets mad at me and gets hostile and abusive in his own anguish. He is in PAIN... and in truth is doing the best that he can. We are middle class people--- we have a nice home, family (and pets). We have cars to drive, and there is food in the fridge. Yes we need more, Gotta pay the piper. Gotta pay morgage, loans, utilities... buy medicine and some food.

I am tied up in knots not over this.

All the verses I know that tell me not to worry... Not to be anxious... But to pray... Do not soothe me. I Know you are in charge... That You know that we need help.. That you say to trust.... I AM SCARED!!!

All in a Days Work

Life is stressful, and so it goes. There is no easy way out of this prison, this prism. I know that God is in charge. I believe that, but my heart is upset, my Faith is lacking, my Soul is Sad. I want to do well in all that I do. I want my work to be important and Appreciated. I do not want to be stagnant. I Yearn for Growth. For Hope. For Peace. And Beyond.

I feel so sad, and so anxious. Yet, I know that I am doing what I know to be right. If I err, I do so sincerely. Lord Forgive me for the Wrong I Do, Help me to Lean on You.

I love my work. Sure it is stressful. What job isn't. I love working with people that need me. I have the Heart of a Care Giver by Nature, and so I am grateful to be in this line of work. I have studied hard... Worked hard. Learned new skills. I am adapting to the changes around me. Yet I feel troubled that there is so much stress here... both among the Residents, and the Staff, and Mgmnt. I must not be consumed... or it will loose me. Stay on my goals... Give till it hurts... as long as I am refreshed by my Lord. Pour it out on me... Pour it out on me. Pour it out on me... Pour your Spirit out on me.

My ultimate perpose in Life is to be a picture of Christ. Let Him be glorified in my Life. He is Life... He is the Anwer to all my needs, my sorrows, and my pain. And through Him, i will overcome... To His Name be Glory and Honour forever more!!

Bearlady

HERE & NOW

THOUGHTS SWIMMING LOUDLY INSIDE MY HEAD... AMIDST THE CHAOS BOTH INSIDE AND OUTSIDE OF MY SPACE. I AM ALONE, YET NOT LONELY. ALONE FOR A FEW LITTLE WHILES YET. THE KIDS AND GRANDKIDS ARE ON THE PORCH OR IN THE TRAILER. BOBBIE AND HIS DAUGHTER KERRY ARE OUT TO A FIRST-AID COURSE. THE TV IS ON... JUST FOR NOISE, I THINK. THE PUPPIES ARE QUIET. ALONENESS FEELS GOOD RIGHT NOW. MY HEART AND SOUL CRY OUT FOR SPACE... MY SPACE... MY TIME.

TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY. WENT WALKING WITH A FRIEND AND HER DAUGHTER... THEN HAD SOME HOMEMADE SOUP FOR LUNCH. REALLY ENJOYED THE COMPANIONSHIP OF ALICE AND HER DAUGHTRE MELONY. WE WALKED FOR ABOUT 3 MILES. I BIKED OVER THERE, ABOUT 3 MILES, AS WELL. IT IS A NICE COOLISH DAY MAYBE ABOUT 20 DEGREES CELSIUS. A LIGHT BREEZE, AND SOME CLOUDS IN THE SKY.

TOMORROW IS THE BEARMAN'S BIRTHDAY. HE WOULD BE 71 YRS OLD. THE MEMORIES WILL STAY. ALL THE GOOD TIMES, YES, EVEN THE BAD AND PAINFUL ONES. BUT I MISS HIM. I MISS HIS VOICE. I MISS HIS VERBAL HUGS. I MISS RIDING WITH HIM. I REALLY MISS HIM.

LIFE IS FOR THE LIVING... SO LIFE GOES ON....and so it goes


the Bearlady

"PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER"

A very dear Friend of mine was a Police sargaent in Beverly Hills, many years ago. He had a lot of challenges while still young. He lost his wife, also a Police officer, to a heart attack, he got injured and no longer was able to work for the BHPD... And then in the last 15 years he developed prostate cancer. This ultimatly took his life. He was a Real Trooper, though. he would go to Battle for anyone of thing he truly believed in. He had this one saying that I have adopted.
"JUST PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER... AND WATCH OUT WHERE YOU ARE STEPPING!"

Things happen, Bad things happen, Life has many challenges. But that is the very definition of life....Acceptance is the Reward for True Peace.

My life is harried right now. I often feel "fenced in". I often think that I may crumple under the load of stresses that bring me down....An inward voice calls to "release my Anxieties to God, for HE cares for me!" (1peter 5:7) I often want to hide and feel that i can no longer make it in the Real World. Yet somehow, I keep going. I am lots stronger than I know I am.... "Like my friend... I must PUTONEFOOTFRONTOF THE OTHER AND WATCHOUTWHEREI AM STEPPING!" and a song sings over me... we are not left powerless. God will help us to get through... for I can do all things thru Christs which strengthens me.

Have a Blessed Hopefilled Day

A time for Forgiveness/Acceptance

Hi all.;;;

Sunday was a pretty good day. I went to church... Late, cuz one the grandkids had lost his shoes and had to buy so...me for both. ANy way, I was late. Pastor Orlando was Speaking on "High Definition Life-Relationship with God." The scripture was taken from when Jesus 3 times asked Peter if he loved Him. As I was writing some notes, I wrote down: Jesus... do you Love me???

Of Course I know that Jesus Loves Me... But life has been hurting so much lately... Where has He been!!!

Christ gave Peter the opportunity to re-connect with him by publically announcing and confirming his love for Him. 3 times Peter had betrayed him in public... denying that he knew Jesus. 3 times Jesus openly asked Jesus to affirm Peter's Love for Him. I make mistakes, I sin. I hurt inside. I hurt others. Other people, even my mate, hurt me. and so it goes. 3 times Jesus asked for Peter to Affirm his Love.

How many times have I denied Christ, in my anger, fear and Pain. Remember when Peter asked the Lord "how often shall I forgive my brother and I forgive him... Up to 7 times?" But Jesus said "No, not only 7 times, but 70 times 7.The Parable goes on to speak of a King that was looking at his accounts and found a servant that owed him 10,000 dollars, as it were. The servant fell on his face begging the king to forgive the great debt, which the Lord did. And of course the servant then went out to collect his Own debts from those who owed him. Turns out he was gonna throw one man into prison for not paying a very small debt... perhaps 10 dollars. other people heard about the servants unfairness with his debtor and complained to the king.


So many times I have asked God for help... for forgiveness.
Ok... I have hurt others... I have hurt my Hubby.. He has hurt me. He scares me . I annoy him. Yet we both love each other. We are called to be different. God knoews we need help, we cannot do this alone. But, as we are forgiven by God, so may we forgive each other. "still, I am scared!"

Bobbie did a lot yesterday. He mowed the front lawn, cleaned up after the puppies and took the boys to the waterpark. He even came to get me... I did say I would meet them there, despite just wanting to stay home in bed.(Forever!) It ended up being a Good Day.

Here are some words of a poem that a cousin sent to my Mom when my Dad Died.

He Giveth more Grace when the burdens grow Greater
He sendeth more strength when the Labours increase
To Addeth Affliction, He addeth His Mercy
To Multiplied Trials, His Multiplied Peace
When we have exhausted our store of endurance
When our strength has failed, ere the day is half done
When reach the end of horded resources
Our Fathers full Giving has only begun.

His Love has no limit
His Grace has no measure
His Power no Boundaries
known unto man
For out of His Infinite
Riches in Jesus
He Giveth and Giveth and Giveth
Again.


and so is another day.

FINE Border Line Personality Disorder

Hey...

When I was in "recovery" I heard the Term F.I.N.E. was an accronym for

Fearful
Insecure
Neurotic
Emotional

Well, that is what i am right now... Scared!!! So much is happening inside my head.I am traveling a hundred miles a minute in so many directions.... And I am not very able to stop the spinning.

Usually my messages are mostly upbeat.... BuT I need Help...

Is there anyONE Out there who can help and Understand and STOP THE CHAOS INSIDEEE



HELP PLEASE

Strange nite at work

Wow!!! I had a really Strange nite at work. The fire alarms were going off continuously from 3:15 to 4:20AM Many of the Residents of the Adult Assisted Living Facility were quite agitated. I left my work in the Specialty care unit and ran up the stairs to the 3rd floor... Telling people who were up to go back to their rooms and shut the door. We are having a Fire Drill. It was a truly awful experience!!! My ears were hurting. But Something was different., I was In charge of some of these Folks... I had a job to do. Make sure the people were all safe. , So consequently, I put every thin out of my mind to the best of my ability, and on maintaining their safety and my Sanity. It is often that I go into crying spells and have anxiety attacks. How odd that I could redirect my tendancies to panics. I call it the Enforcer mode, You see, when there is serious trauma around, I can handle it sometimes, but when the whirlwind is in me... I Loose it... I Cry, I crumble... I whole up in a little ball.

Food for thought:If I shift my focus from the internal chaos, and look at the external pain, will I then be able to controls and soothe my
own unwielding emotions. I am worth Caring for. I care for the Residents at the Home. I am someone important too. I matter.. Stand up and Fight, You can do this, I knnow you can!!!!

Pennys from Heaven

The Story tells of a very Rich American who picked up a penny while on the way to an expensive dinner.
He held it up and smiled, then put it in his pocket as if he had found a great treasure.

A friend asked why he thot the Penny was of such great worth, he replied She casually mentioned that her daughter once had a coin collection, and asked if the penny he had found had been of some value. A smile crept across the man's face as he reached into his pocket for the penny and held it out for her to see. She had seen many pennies before! What was the point of this?

"Look at it." He said. "Read what it says." She read the words "United States of America."

"No, not that; read further."

"One cent?"

"No, keep reading."

"In God we Trust?"

"Yes!"

"And?"

"And if I trust in God, the name of God is holy, even on a coin. Whenever I find a coin I see that inscription. It is written on every single United States coin, but we never seem to notice it! God drops a message right in front of me telling me to trust Him? Who am I to pass it by? When I see a coin, I pray, I stop to see if my trust IS in God at that moment. I pick the coin up as a response to God; that I do trust in Him. For a short time, at least, I cherish it as if it were gold. I think it is God's way of starting a conversation with me. Lucky for me, God is patient and pennies are plentiful!"

How is that for God getting your Attention.

OK GOD... I may not understand everything that is happening right now,


<, but I DO know that YOU IN CHARGE!!! Thank you for the reminder...

"As for me and MY HOUSE, We will serve the Lord." AMEN!!!

Thots & What Knots

Thots & What Knots

just found this web posting... Its SOOOO cool.

God is Always watching... Always listening... We need to come to him with the faith of a child. Children are more IN THE MOMENT then adults. Kids learn to trust Special Adults for their Care. Thats what we need to do with God.


http://www.passionup.com/mp/blank/blank100.htm?e=imkld%40yahoo%2ecom&f=imkld%40yahoo%2ecom&cfp=1&h=7a49f7e8064d5e26&mp=1

Sometimes Hallelujah!

Thots & What Knots

Ya know... I am so Far from being perfect. I struggle with Depression every day... Sometimes Several Times a Day. I give in to Faulty Believes that I am No good and Not worth much... But Guess What!~~~ God does not see me that way. He sees us through Jesus Christ who Spread out his arms for us. We are COvered by the Blood of Christ.

I have been tortured inside... Very Troubled. I needed... Desperately Needed to be at church, but working the Night shift has not always made me aggreable to going. Today I did... And I fell Down on my face and Cried and Prayed with the Pastor. A lady whom I did not know came up and prayed over me. She said that she was Called to come up to me... Turns out she suffers from Depression to. I still suffer from Depression... It is a Disease,. a Dis Ease... But God is Gracious and Has Promised to be with me... ALways.

Ya know what, I got a wonderful gift after church. I had parked in front of a bush. The Bush had one flower, a Morning Glory (I think) white and Pure. It was as if God wanted me to have it.... As if He were saying... "I see you Whiter than snow..Because of Jesus. And I Love you. This is a Token of my Love~

Sooo

Sometimes Allelujah, Sometimes Praise the Lord!


Blessings

Lazy

Do ever feel lazy??

Well, I feel lazy, that is Lazy to do the chores that I am s'posed to do. I got up early this morning. Did some computer work, and then snuck back into bed with Hubby. Snuggled down tight with all my Bears!!! (One can never has too many Bears!) then I slept deep and good for another 3 hrs!!! I got up again at noon... ate cereal and did some on-line surveys. Meanwhile... my chores stared at me... beconing. I ignored the 1/2 folded laundry put hastily on the sofa. I squelched my desire to vacuum downstairs, and also the long time chore of power washing the front porch.

So, here I sit... in my lazy boy chair... looking out the window at a very "inauspious day" as Momma would say. I am feeling so warm... so Fuzzy.So at peace. Hubby is sleeping on the sofa in front of me. My Girl is downstairs with the stereo/computer blasting. My kittis have snuggled up to me on several occasions. I am PHATTTT!!! I am grateful. I have a wonderful little Home... A Special Family... my Pets are my kids also... I live in a Free Country. I am Not being persecuted for my Faith, or the Colour of my Skin. I have Food to eat and clothes to wear. and I have the Wonderful LUXURY of being Just Plain LAZY!!!

Yesterday, while doing yard work... I stopped... lay down on the grass, spread my arms and closed my eyes. I became part of nature... hearing the birds, and the wind... feeling the warmth of the sun, and the coolness of the breeze..... What a Gift!!!

Thank God for the ability to be Lazy... Thank You Lord, for All the Gifts you have bestowed on us... A Home, Food, Clothes... and most of all Your Love.