Step One - Powerless

came to believe i am powerless over this compulsion/addiction and pain. YES... I am Powerless. I walk away, I go there, i fall, slip.., my heart cries, i pray, i get hope, i walk away, i go "There", i fall, Slip into the behaviour that brings pain/joy-relief and more pain and shame. Am I letting Go///' I do for a while...I start my paper routes singing, lifting my arms in the air, praising God... And i am Sincere... then the Lies come... Well, just bring a flower to him to let him know i care... but i will not try to see him...the lies that i have control...the lies that i can make it... I live my life... I do not want to end my life... I am in a better place than i have been in several months... mostly cuz i am seeking... and i have found you'all in love and support... mostly because i am wanting to be free--- to turn my will and my life over to God...I do not want to Change my life... i do not want my marriage to end.. I do not want to hurt/betray my husband anymore. I don't want to seek relieve from my inner pain this way... but i Do... there is pain in this life... we all have it, and we all have our various ways of coping. I believe that i a Child of God... and that He promises Hope and Life for me... But the Shame is eating away...BPD... Borderline Personality Disorder. "I Love you, i hate you... please don't leave me...BPD.. this is a pervasive illness
1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self; or sense of long-term goals; or career choices, types of friends desired or values preferred.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging: for example; spending, sex, substance abuse, and binge eating.
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
6. Affective instability: marked shifts from baseline mood to depression, irritability, or anxiety, usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days.
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger; frequent displays of temper.
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.and slowly i sink into despondancy